


Dancing A Thin Line

by unholyseraphs (oncharredwings)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Cheating, Closeted!Dean, M/M, Poet!Dean, dancer!cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-10 01:09:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncharredwings/pseuds/unholyseraphs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is a college student who has never completely considered himself gay before catching a glimpse of Castiel Novak in the dance studio. After seeing Castiel once, he knows he wants to get to know him better. At first, Castiel puts him off but slowly they grow closer and explore Dean's sexuality together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. dreaming of dancers

He had never seen a human body move in that way before. He had seen young men get thrown around mercilessly on a football field, their helmets cracking together like bones snapping. He had seen his little brother get tossed around by bullies on the playground (that never lasted long since he was always right there to bail him out and put those assholes in line), but Dean had never seen a body twist and move so gracefully. Like holy shit, that was amazing. 

Dean stared open mouthed (some would even say slack jawed) at the young man who moved around the dance studio so gracefully and openly. His legs seemed to go on for days, and really how the hell did this guy have so much flexibility? 

"Dean? You coming?" 

Dean blinked, quickly crashing back down to reality. "Uh-yeah-yeah okay..." His voice trailed off as he continued to stare into the open studio doors, willing his feet to move but they still staid grounded into the concrete. He had to leave, his football buddies needed him to go, and besides if he was caught watching, well he didn't really want to think of the consequences. 

"Dean-come on!" 

"Right, coming-sorry-" he mumbled, ducking his head in embarrassment as he hurried after his teammates. 

"What were you doing?" Henriksen asked him, giving him a look that definitely bordered along skeptical. 

"What? Nothing-" Dean adjusted his book bag along his shoulders, trying to ignore the staring that he was being given now. "Just...nothing-" 

"He was watching that guy-Castiel Novak," Ash teased, punching Dean lightly in the shoulder. "He's such a hard ass, I accidentally ran into him once outside of the art department and man I never regretted almost running someone over before in my life." 

"He was in my freshman English class a few years ago," Henriksen chimed in. "He's super intense and he's so full of himself, can't stand that guy." 

Dean frowned, listening to his friends rib a guy that he did not even know, but he had to admit that he was glad that the mystery dancer had a name. 

Castiel. Castiel Novak. 

 

\--

"Admit it, you _like_ him," Charlie said, using her sing-song voice to get under his skin. 

"I do not _like_ him," Dean snarled in return, pouring over the notes that he could hardly read. He really needed to learn how to read his own handwriting. "He's just a guy I saw dancing in the studio..." 

"Yeah and you like him, you think he's hot-" 

"I do not!" he snapped, not meaning to raise his voice but by the look on her face, he had definitely done so. "Sorry..." 

"Dean just admit it, you like him-" 

"I _can't_ like him Charlie...I can't-I can't like him." 

"Why not?" Charlie tossed a bundled up paper ball at his head, making him raise his eyes and glare at her. "Come on Dean, we both know you like the d-" 

" _Charlie_ ," he hissed, glancing around at the other people in the library. As far as he could tell, no one was listening to them but still, he could not take that risk. "You can't tell people that, and you know it! My Dad would disown me, my friends would fucking desert me, and I'd never live it down. Complete social suicide." 

"Well, fuck your dad, he's an asshole anyway...and _fuck_ your so called "friends" if they would desert you over you being something you can't even control. You're gay Dean, it's not like you chose to be gay, you can't just turn it on and off like a switch. If you like Castiel then you should talk to him. Ask him on a date-" 

"I don't even know if he's gay," Dean whispered, staring forlornly at his notes which he was no longer really reading. "I don't even know him. We've never spoken, I just...sometimes I go and watch him practice. He's really good..." 

" _Yeah_ he is," Charlie agreed, nodding her head emphatically. "I've seen him dance, he's the star of the dance department. He's so dedicated, it's really intense. He spends so much time in that studio. I bet he'll go to Tisch or something." 

Dean smiled a little, drawing small circles along the pink margin of his notebook. His mind wandered to Castiel and the way he moved across the hardwood floors of the dance studio. He moved so gracefully, and his body was full of emotion. Dean longed to just go in and sit and watch him for hours, but he always stood back in the shadows, admiring him from afar. Besides, he couldn't _like_ dancing anyway, not Dean Winchester the football star. 

"Dean?" 

Dean startled, looking up at Charlie who was giving him a smirk. "What?" 

"You're daydreaming about him, aren't you?" 

"I am not!" 

"Yeah you are, you're in _loooovvveee_ Winchester." Charlie giggled when he picked up the paper ball and tossed it at her nose. "You should at least _talk_ to him, am I right? I bet I could help you there. I have to paint the sets for the dance concert, so I'll see if I can get him to talk to me and maybe we could all casually hang out." 

Dean stared at her for a long time before finally smiling, and he just knew that he looked like a huge dork. "You'd do that?" 

"For you? Yeah, I _guess_ ," Charlie said, smiling. "You're such a pain in my ass Dean. Such a pain, but I love you anyway. I'll see what I can do, okay?" 

Dean smiled again, feeling his heart pound a little faster, and his palms start to sweat. "Thanks Charlie," he whispered before returning to trying to decipher his own notes. 

\--

Dean stared into his closet in desperation, trying to will a nice shirt to come into existence. All he seemed to own were school shirts, plaid, flannel, and old band t-shirts. Not that he wanted to impress Castiel, that would be completely ridiculous, but it would just be nice to actually wear something better than his AC/DC shirt and a plaid over shirt. However, when he heard a knock come to his door, that was exactly what he ended up wearing, so he could open it. 

"Is _that_ what you're wearing?" Charlie said, giving him a judgmental stare. 

"Um...yeah?" Dean shrugged, trying not to blush or become flustered. "So what?" 

Charlie sighed exasperatedly, pushing past him and going to stare into his closet. "God, it's like a plaid circus blew up in here. Jesus Christ Dean, where do you even _find_ this much plaid?" 

"Shuddup," he muttered, going to sit on his bed while she sifted through his shirts. 

"You want to impress Cas, right?" Charlie asked, throwing things onto his floor before she made a happy noise, and chucked a grey henley at him. "There, that's more appropriate. Wear that." 

Dean rolled his eyes but he stripped down, pulling the well fitted henley over his head, glancing his image in the mirror. "Hm, not bad I guess." 

"Exactly," Charlie agreed, smiling. "Cas is gonna dig it." 

"Wait...does-do you know if he's-..."

"Gay? Oh yeah, I asked him." 

"You just _asked_ him?" Dean stared at her in disbelief. You could just ask people? 

"Um... _yeah_. I mean, I was nice about it, I just asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said his last boyfriend had dumped him a few months ago, so I got confirmation that yes, he's single, and yes, he's gay. Happy?" Charlie crossed her arms over her chest, and only then did Dean realize that she was wearing the Zelda Triforce shirt he had gotten her for Christmas last year. 

"Uh-yeah-thanks." Dean slipped Sam's necklace over his head and silently pulled on his leather jacket before following her out of his room. "But you didn't say anything about me...right?" 

 

"No, your secret is safe with me... _reluctantly_ , but you know I would never out you Dean." Charlie gave him a reassuring smile as they walked down the stairs together. "So we're meeting him at the pizza place, okay?" 

"Sure, we walking?" Dean asked, holding the door open for her as they ventured out into the cool night air. 

"Considering drinking is a must, yeah I think we should walk."

Dean gave her a thumbs up, nodding. "Sounds good to me." Charlie began to chat at him, which he could only half pay attention to, as his mind was definitely on a blue-eyed dancer. He hoped that Castiel was not as pretentious and awful as his friends had made him out to be. He was probably just misunderstood, most creative people were. 

"Dean are you listening to me?" Charlie asked as they crossed the street and began the last leg of the walk towards the pizza joint that the college kids frequented so much that if you brought your student ID you got a discount on your bill. 

"Sorry....not really," he admitted, having the grace to appear abashed. 

"Of course you're not, whatever, I know where your mind is and its standing right there," Charlie pointed to Castiel, who was standing outside, seemingly waiting for them. "Hey Cas!" 

Dean blushed, wishing he could deny Charlie's point but he really couldn't so he just kept quiet instead, waiting for Charlie to introduce them. 

"Hello Charlie," Castiel said, his voice gravelly and deep, as if the guy had not had anything to drink his entire life. 

Charlie smiled, eagerly hugging him, which Dean could tell made Castiel uncomfortable. Not that she ever invaded people's space to bother them, that was just how friendly Charlie was, she had to hug people, no matter how long she had known them. "Cas, this is Dean, my friend, the one I told you about?" 

So she _had_ talked about him around Castiel. Shit. "Um hey," he said lamely, raising his hand in an awkward wave. 

Castiel gave him a curt nod, his eyes running up and down Dean's frame. "Hello Dean." 

Dean shuddered when Castiel said his name. Oh God would he love to hear Castiel _moan_ his name. He probably made the sexiest noises. "Nice to meet you," Dean continued awkwardly but Castiel had already turned with Charlie to tell the hostess how many people they had in their party. Good fucking timing, Dean. 

He followed the two of them as they made their way back to a booth, in which Charlie slid in first, followed by Castiel, leaving Dean to sit across from them. Charlie had told him that her plan was to "get him laid" but really he was not interested in just sleeping with Castiel (even if that did seem like a really awesome idea), he wanted to get to know him. Be his friend. Maybe even his boyfriend. 

"So um...Cas...I can call you Cas?" Dean asked quickly, not sure if he was on a good enough level to shorten the guy's name. 

Casitel nodded. "Everyone calls me Cas." 

"Okay um...Cas, what do you um...do?" Charlie shot him a look but Dean ignored her. Obviously he knew what Castiel did but (hopefully) Castiel did not know that he knew. 

"I'm a dancer," Castiel supplied. "What do _you_ do, Dean?" 

"Um, I play football and I'm majoring in business." Which he really hated, and had no desire to do, but his father had insisted he do something practical. 

Castiel pulled a face, which was exactly how Dean felt on the inside about his chosen major. "How boring, how did you and Charlie even become friends?" 

"Oh that's easy," Charlie said with a wicked smile. "We were up in the student center and he accidentally spilled his milk all over me and I called him a clumsy, blind, dickhead and so we became friends ever since. That was three years ago." 

Castiel snorted, glancing up as their waitress finally made her way over to them. Charlie immediately ordered beer, which was usually what Dean drank with his pizza but tonight he did not want to get drunk or even buzzed, he wanted to stay sober so he could remember everything he said to Castiel. That and he had no desire to say something stupid, like accidentally tell the guy he had a huge crush on him. 

"Um what kind of dance do you do?" Dean asked, drawing Castiel's attention back to him. 

"I've trained in ballet, hip hop, tap, jazz, and ball room, but I mostly do modern dance now." Castiel slid one of his hands to cup his face, leaning his elbow against table.

Dean couldn't help but stare at his hands and run his eyes along the stubble of Castiel's jawline. "Oh that's um...cool." You are so lame Winchester, good job being impressive. 

"Yes it's _cool_ ," Castiel said, smiling slightly. "Much cooler than football." 

Dean frowned, leaning forward on the table as well. "Football _is_ cool," he snapped, becoming defensive. "It's why I'm even here to begin with." 

"So you're here on athletic scholarship," Castiel said. 

"Yeah, so?" he snapped in return, eyes narrowing. He could hear the judgment in Castiel's voice. "You don't think I deserve to be here because I play well?" 

"I don't think being good at football should excuse you from not trying hard-" 

"Hey!" Dean snapped, his annoyance switch flipped. "I _do_ try hard at school, asshole! You don't know me, you can't pass judgment on me about how well I do in school. Just because I'm good at football doesn't mean I'm not good at school too." 

Rarely did Dean ever let someone's digs at his intelligence effect him outwardly (even if they always did inwardly) because he had been mocked his whole life for being just another grunt. He wasn't smart, he had never viewed himself as smart, and clearly Castiel was intelligent. But that did not give him the right to be a total jerk. 

"Guys, come on, put your dicks away please," Charlie said, interrupting the tension that had formed at the table. "So what if Dean got in on athletic scholarship, that's still valid, am I right?" 

Castiel frowned, but he nodded slightly. "Yes I suppose." 

"It's the same as your dance award, right?" Charlie pointed out. 

"My dance money is not why-" Castiel began but Charlie shut him up with an icy stare. "Yes, I suppose it is very similar." 

"Exactly...now shut up, here's our pizza and beer." 

Dean glowered at Castiel, suddenly realizing that his friends had been right about the guy after all. Pretentious and intense, and he acted as if he was the best thing to happen to the university. Annoying little (attractive) snot. Dinner, despite Dean's hopes, did not go as he had wanted. He found that he could not really talk to Castiel after that display and after leaving his money on the table, he soon left, having barely touched the pizza, leaving Castiel and Charlie on their own for the rest of the evening.


	2. ballet & coffee

"Dean?" 

Dean glanced up from his book, recognizing that gravelly deep voice that was still (despite his half desire for it not to be the case) haunting his dirtiest dreams. "Oh...it's _you_ ," he snarled, trying to convey that he had no desire to talk to Castiel. 

"May I sit and talk with you for a moment?" Castiel asked. Before Dean could respond, Castiel sat down next to him on the bench, immediately beginning his next sentence without permission. "I want to apologize for my crass behavior last week, I was extremely rude. I was not trying to be, but I have had terrible experiences with other athletes on this campus, and I took my anger out on you. My deepest apologies." 

Dean blinked a few times, almost wanting to laugh in Castiel's smug, albeit pretty face, but he rolled his eyes in irritation instead. "Yeah, okay sure." 

Castiel slid his hand to Dean's arm, which made him jump and stare at the back of Castiel's long fingered hand. "Please Dean, I'm sorry. I really am, honestly. Could we possibly try again? We could talk or hang out or do whatever you like. I swear I won't pass any judgments on you." 

Dean slowly raised his eyes to Castiel's, wanting to just say no, to tell the guy to go fuck himself into next Thursday, but what came out of his mouth was not what he expected. "Sure," Dean muttered. 

Castiel slowly smiled, patting his arm, finally pulling away. "Good. When and where?" 

Dean shut his book, his desire to read declining. "Um...I'm free on Thursday, anytime after four is fine. I don't really care where I guess. We could go get coffee or hot chocolate or whatever it is you drink." 

"Sounds good. How about at six, I'll be done with dance practice by then. I can meet you at the coffee shop if you want?" 

"Yeah, okay. Sure." 

"Great!" Castiel smiled, eagerly hopping up to his feet. "I'll see you Thursday at six, Dean." 

"Yeah...see you-" Dean watched as Castiel walked away, not able to keep himself from glancing at the guy's rear. Damn, he had a really nice ass. Shaking himself, Dean reopened his book, trying to re-engage his mind with the reading material. Of course, his efforts were futile. 

\--

6:35.

Dean glanced at his watch again, ready to just walk out of the coffee shop, completely annoyed. He felt as if he had been stood up by a potential date (how ridiculous) even though he knew that was not the case. He felt jilted and used and really he was just ready to get up and walk away. 

"I am so sorry I'm late," came Castiel's voice and Dean looked up away from the coffee he had almost finished by this point. Castiel sank into the chair opposite him, setting a bag down next to his feet. 

"It's okay-" Which was not true but what was he supposed to say? 

"My instructor kept holding me back to try some new choreography and I just got out of the studio...thus why I look like absolute crap." Castiel gestured at his clothing, which was sweaty and sticking to his frame (and no Dean was _not_ staring at his chest). 

"It's fine, I get it...sometimes coach holds us past practice time which is really annoying by the way," Dean said, really trying to make himself empathetic instead of pissed off. 

"It's terribly annoying, I mean I already practically sold my soul to the dance department since freshman year, and now I'm just being prepped and prodded like fine cattle." Castiel rolled his eyes, before getting up. "Be right back, need coffee." 

Dean nodded, doing his best to not stare at Castiel's ass again but _really_ the guy had a nice ass. He leaned against the table, staring almost dreamily at Castiel's backside, not thinking straight. When Castiel dropped back into his previous spot, Dean startled, blinking wildly. 

"Sorry," Castiel said with a smile. "I didn't mean to startle you." 

"It's fine," he replied quickly, waving him off. Stop staring at him Dean, goddamn. 

"So, again, allow me to reiterate, I _am_ honestly sorry for being such an asshole...my day had been rough and most of the male athletes I meet just dismiss me as if I am also not an athlete. Which is ridiculous, dancing is a sport-" 

"Yeah?" Dean said, not meaning to cut him off but he had never viewed dancing as a sport before. 

"Absolutely! I've been doing ballet since I was three years old, and I'm constantly in the studio practicing. I spend hours and hours and hours on dance, and then I used to do competition dance, that was every weekend taken up of my life for the longest time. Can _you_ lift someone up over your head one handed and move around gracefully at the same time?"

Dean could feel his cheeks burning, his eyes dropping to his coffee. "Probably not....I wasn't like..dissing you...I had just never really considered dance a sport before now, I guess. But...dance always seemed so lame-no offense!" Castiel seemed like a guy who took offense super easily and Dean had no desire to piss him off. 

However, much to Dean's surprise, Castiel waved his hand dismissively. "Trust me, that doesn't surprise me. Most people don't see dance as a sport, but it is...it's hell on the body too. Surprisingly, I haven't had that many injuries in the past." 

Dean nodded. "That's good, keeps you doing what you love doing." Really he didn't want to discuss ballet anymore but Castiel seemed dead set on talking about it so he really had no choice but to listen. 

"Once, I sprained my ankle so badly during a competition that I could hardly walk off stage but I had to keep going, so I just kept dancing, and when it was over I just...collapsed after I finished. It was agony." Casitel sipped at his coffee.

"You had to keep dancing?" He frowned, surprised that dancers had to play through the pain too. "That seems dangerous." 

"Are you not taught to keep playing through any injury or pain you have?" Castiel asked, tilting his head to the side, which Dean did _not_ find cute, no way. 

"Well _yeah_ but I don't know...I mean we have to wear helmets and protective gear, what do you guys wear?" 

"Protective gear?" Castiel snorted, laughing. "We don't." 

"Damn," Dean muttered, impressed. "You know, you could probably dance circles around the football team." Oh maybe he shouldn't have said that, damn Dean learn to keep your mouth shut. 

"Yeah?" Castiel smiled, their hands inching closer together on the table. 

"...yeah." God, Castiel's eyes were just so...fucking blue. That color could not be replicated by any artist, there was no way that color existed anywhere except on Castiel. When he felt fingertips brush his own, he jerked, quickly slipping his hands off of the table and into his lap, his cheeks burning deep crimson. "So um...glad we got to talk." 

"Yes, me too." Castiel agreed quietly. Dean saw something that looked like disappointment flash across Castiel's (perfect) features but it was there and gone before he could have gained certainty. "Don't take this the wrong way Dean but I believe I heard a hint of dismissal in your voice." 

"Oh um...no-it's just um-I have um-a paper to finish and I suck at papers...so um-...yeah-" Real smooth Dean, _real smooth_. 

Castiel smiled slightly, finishing his coffee. "It's alright Dean, I understand. If you need me to go, then I'll go." 

"But we could um-we could do it again...if you um...if you wanted to..." Dean bit his lip, giving his best shy and cute impression. 

"That sounds lovely, I would like to hang out again with you. You know, there's a fair in town this weekend, did you want to go with me?" Castiel asked innocently, smiling. 

Oh shit, oh _shit_...was Castiel asking him on a date? A real date? Oh God-"Um...Cas are you um-...asking me on like...a um..........date? Because I'm not gay." Dean added quickly, even though that was a total and complete lie. 

Castiel stared at him for a moment, his face unreadable. "Um, I wasn't asking you on a date. Two guys can't go to a fair and hang out together?" 

Dean blushed, kicking himself. Great, he'd ruined his chances in one smooth move. "Right, sure we can go if you want." 

Castiel nodded, getting up. "Do you want to meet there? Or we can carpool." 

"I'll drive. What time?" 

"How about Sunday at noon? Sound okay?" 

Dean nodded. "Yeah, sounds good." 

"I'll see you on Sunday Dean," Castiel replied with a smile before grabbing his bag and leaving. 

Dean watched Castiel go, his heart pounding faster than usual. You like him Dean Winchester, and now you're in a lot of trouble.


	3. irrational fears

Why did Castiel have to dress so damn nicely? Why did the universe hate him so much that he had to be around Castiel freakingadorable Novak?  _Why_? 

Dean could not help but drop his eyes to Castiel's cute butt which was outlined in his stupidly well-fitted jeans. Honestly, the universe  _had_ to be out to get him, it just had to be. 

"Are you okay Dean?" Castiel asked, jarring him from his inappropriate thoughts (which did  _not_ involve Cas, nope). 

"Ugh yeah I'm fine," he lied.  _Yeah, real smooth Winchester._ "Just um...distracted I guess. I kinda had a long morning." 

"I'm sorry, we don't have to go-" Castiel began, turning towards him as they walked towards the fair's entrance. 

"What? No, no I want to go. I do, I swear." Dean nodded quickly. He really did want to go, but he just wished Castiel had chosen to wear something less attractive. And since when did he find well fitted jeans and fucking sweaters attractive? Granted, it was a nice sweater, not some ugly sweater that a grandmother would have picked out for him. But still. 

Castiel had offered to pay for their tickets (which still did not make this a date, right?) hoping to still make up for being a jerk the first time they had met. Dean let him only because he couldn't seem to talk the guy out of it no matter what he did or said. 

"Here," Castiel said, taking Dean's wrist and putting the bracelet on him that would allow them to ride as many rides as they wanted all day long. 

"Oh thanks," he muttered, rubbing his wrist where they had made skin to skin contact. "....um....so what do you want to do first?" 

"Do you like the Ferris Wheel?" Castiel asked, eyes lighting up like miniature galaxies. 

Of course, the one ride that he would rather sell his soul than ride, Castiel had to want to go on first. "...yep...love it." 

\--

If he didn't look down he would be fine, right? "Yeah you wish," he muttered to himself as he slowly slid across from Castiel, already nervous. 

"What?" Castiel asked, smoothing out the denim across his thighs with both hands. 

"Nothing Cas," he replied quietly. They had not even left the ground yet and he was already feeling sick to his stomach but the ride was starting and he had no choice but to pick a spot and stare. Maybe if he just stared at the middle of Castiel's forehead then he could pretend they were solidly on the ground. 

"Dean...are you okay? You're really pale," Castiel said, concern in his voice. 

"What? No, no I'm fine. I'm totally fine." If only he had been born a better liar. 

"No, no you're not. What's wrong? Are you sick?" 

And if only Castiel would just stop pestering him he would not have to say  _out loud_ that he was a chicken shit and afraid of heights. Of all of the phobias he could have been stuck with, he just _had_ to have the fear of heights. Acrophobia. Of course, it was better than being afraid of clowns, he supposed. 

"Dean, seriously-" 

"I'm afraid of heights, alright?!" he snapped finally, glaring at Castiel without any real enthusiasm behind the gesture. 

"Why didn't you  _tell_ me? I wouldn't have asked you up here if I had known-I'm not that mean." Castiel said, sounding more annoyed than Dean really believed the guy was warranted. "You're a moron, not telling me you're afraid of heights-" 

" _Shut up_ , God all you do is fucking talk. What? You like the sound of your own voice or something?" Dean could not keep the snarl out of his voice as he wrapped his arms around his midsection. He had never thrown up on a ride before, but there was always a first for everything. When the ride lurched his arms flew out to grasp either side of the carriage, not able to keep from panicking.  _Just don't look down, don't look down, whatever you do do not look down. Jesus fucking Christ do not look-_

Of course he had to look down. 

"Dean-" Castiel began, his hand reaching over to touch his knee. "Look at me." 

Dean shook his eyes, his eyes glued to the ground. How had they gotten up here so quickly? Weren't Ferris Wheels meant to be slow? "No-" 

" _Dean_. Look at me. Look me in the eye," Castiel continued sternly, and yet he somehow managed to sound gentle in the same breath. 

Shakily, Dean moved his eyes to Castiel's, willing himself to be lost in the stupid blue color. "Happy?" 

"Just look at me and breathe. You're going to be fine, nothing is going to happen, I promise-" 

"You don't know that!" Oh God, was he  _whining_? Fuck he was whining. Great, not only was he showing what a wimp he could be but now he was whining. Excellent. "You so don't know that." 

"Dean," Castiel said quietly, rubbing his knee. "Give me your hands." 

"W-why?" 

"Please?" 

He could feel his face burn as he slowly pried his fingers loose off of the side of the carriage, allowing Castiel to hold his hands. "Why do you gotta hold my hands for?" Not that it wasn't nice because it really was, but Castiel couldn't know he thought that way. 

Castiel rubbed his thumbs along the backs of his hands, smiling at him in such a gentle way that it made his pants feel uncomfortable. "Because I'm trying to help you. Just talk to me, we'll be down before you know it. If you get scared, squeeze my hands." 

"I'm not scared," he muttered, knowing full well how lame and pathetic he sounded. "I'm fine." But he did not pull his hands away from Castiel's either because quite honestly, holding hands was an extreme comfort. 

"You're doing fine, see? Nothing bad is happening." Castiel gave his hands a squeeze, smiling some more. "Right? And we're almost back down." 

Dean dared to glance over the side and with relief he saw that Castiel was right, they were almost back to the ground again. "Do not ask me to go on something high ever again-" 

"I wouldn't have in the first place if I had known," Castiel cut him off quietly, looking sad for a brief moment. "I'm sorry Dean." 

Dean couldn't help but flinch a little. Great, he had yelled at the guy earlier and now  _he_ was apologizing? "No, I'm sorry...I was a royal asshole a little bit ago...I shouldn't have yelled at you like that." 

When Castiel licked his lips, Dean almost jumped out of his skin, and he had never been more grateful for having to lean forward before in his entire life. "It's okay, I know you were nervous. What do you want to do when we get down?" 

"Honestly? I have to go the bathroom, I think I might throw up-...not that you wanted to know that or anything..." Dean mentally kicked himself, wishing he could just stop talking because really he was only making this worse. 

"Okay, after that? Do you want to sit down for a while? I'll get you some water." 

Dean opened his mouth to protest but they had stopped and he realized with a great surge of relief that he could leave this damn ride. He practically flew out of the carriage and down the ramp, not even waiting on Castiel, he just made a beeline for a bathroom because his stomach was not settled. Oh yes, he was definitely going to throw up. 

Classy. 

\--

"Do you feel better?" 

Castiel's voice came to him as soon as he stumbled out of the bathroom, his mouth tasting like acid. "Yeah, thanks." 

"Here, I brought you some water." 

Dean glanced at the bottle in Castiel's hand before taking it shakily. His hands felt weak as he tried to remove the cap but eventually he pried the plastic free, eagerly taking slow drinks. There, he on the ground, safe, and hydrated. "Thanks," he muttered. 

"Do you want to sit down? We could sit-" Castiel gestured at an empty table near the bathroom, giving him a concerned once over. 

"Yeah sure, that sounds good." He nodded lamely and walked a slow and trembly walk over to the table to sink down on the wooden bench. Even better, now he was sitting. Yes, much better. 

"You look a little better." Why did Castiel have to have such a nice smile? Why did he have to be so perfectly attractive? No one should be that good looking, it should be illegal. 

"Thanks." He really wanted to tell Castiel that he had won the genetics lottery because he really had, but he knew that if he did he wouldn't be able to take it back. Don't be awkward Dean, you're already fucking shit up left and right as it is. 

"When you feel a little better what would you like to do? We can do whatever you'd like to do." 

Dean shrugged, still feeling like a wimp and a pathetic loser. He kept his eyes on the water bottle, running his fingers along the sweating sides. "I dunno." Silence answered him for so long that Dean began to wonder if Castiel had left but he couldn't bring his eyes up to find out. 

"You know, if it makes you feel better, I have an irrational fear of drowning. Aquaphobia." 

"Drowning?" Oops, he had glanced up at Castiel's eyes. Oh well. 

"Yeah, no idea why, I just have this fear every time in I'm near a pool or on the beach. I love the ocean though, it's a shame that I'm irrationally afraid. I hate it." 

"So you can't go swimming?" 

Castiel shrugged slightly. "No, not really." 

"So I guess taking you to a water park is out, huh?" Dean smiled at him, trying to make light of the situation. When more silence answered him, followed by a curious head tilt, Dean began to worry. Did Castiel think he was making a joke about dating? Shit-

"Dean, can I ask you something? It's personal..." 

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat, only nodding. 

"Do you like me?" 

Oh fuck, oh  _fuck_. Panic seized him and his heart hammered heavily in his chest. "What? Yeah I like you...you're a cool guy..." 

"No, I mean, do you  _like_  me? Like do you want to date me? Because if you do, that's okay-" 

"What?" he laughed. "I don't  _like_ you like that. I told you I wasn't gay Cas-" 

"Well it's just you keep talking about taking me places and...I don't know, you just seem into me? Maybe I'm reading you wrong-"

"You're reading me wrong," Dean snapped, angrily getting to his feet. "I'm not gay, okay? What is with you gay people, always assuming your friends like you and shit. I'm not into you, I like girls. Okay? Drop it." 

Castiel watched him, his eyes scanning over him so rapidly Dean couldn't keep track of the movement. "Dean, I'm sorry...I wasn't trying to upset you-it's just you seem so...um..." 

"I seem so  _what_? Huh?! What do I seem like?!" 

"I don't know, you've been flustered and nervous and usually the guys that take me out act that way and I was just wondering if this was a date-" 

"No. I told you that already. It's not a date." Dean glared and stormed off, leaving Castiel at the table. He  _knew_ that was an immature thing to do but at the time it just seemed so right. 

Gay. Pfft. Dean Winchester was  _not_ gay, he was straight. He had plenty of girlfriends in his past, and he had liked every single one of them. A sigh escaped him because he was pretty sure the people three states over knew he was lying to himself. 

"Dean!" 

Great and now Castiel was chasing him. He at least could slow down and let the guy catch up, that'd be the courteous thing to do but he couldn't bring himself to slow down either. He just kept walking, his hands shoved in his pockets and his shoulders hunched forward. He was about to round a corner when he felt a hand grasp at his jacket, bringing him to a halt. 

"Dean-....I'm  _sorry_ -" Castiel panted, taking a deep breath to recover, slowly coming to stand in front of him. "I'm sorry." 

"Whatever Cas-" 

"I wasn't trying to assume something-" Castiel stared at him sadly, as if he were extremely disappointed. "I just thought that maybe you liked me is all..." 

A breath escaped him and Dean could not help but ponder if maybe he should just kiss Castiel right on that perfectly shaped mouth. Right now, in public, just get it all over with.  _Yeah right._ "That's because I do," he muttered, eyes falling to the ground. 

"You-you do?" Castiel whispered, stepping close enough that Dean could have easily slid their mouths together. 

"Yeah, I like you, alright? I've been trying to impress you......I watch you dance sometimes....in the studio? I stand there like an idiot and I watch you. God I don't even know you, why do I like you so fucking much? Everyone else says you're a pretentious asshole and they're kinda right, so why do I like you? It's annoying.  _You're_ annoying." Dean stepped around him, continuing to walk quickly, wishing he could just run away forever. 

"Dean- _wait_ -" Castiel came after him, falling into step. "So you like me but you think I'm an asshole? Look, I said I was sorry-" 

"I  _know_! You're not that big of a jerk, I wish you have been. I wish you'd be a total pretentious asshat, then I wouldn't have to like you so damn much. It's annoying how perfect you are." 

"I'm  _not_ perfect," Castiel laughed, grabbing his elbow to slow him down. "Dean if you're not out, it's okay-I mean I don't usually date men who aren't out because it's hard on both of us but I'd be happy to help you  _come_ out. I wish I would have had someone to help me, it was rough...but I'd be happy to help out-" 

"I don't  _want_ to date you, dumbass. I want you to shut up and let it go, okay?!  _That_ is what I want! I want you to shut the fuck up and let it go. Don't mention it to other people, don't flirt with me, just let it go." He knew he was coming off like a total asshole but he  _had_ to, or that was what he told himself anyway. "Can you do that?" 

"But Dean-" 

"No. I don't want to go out with you, I don't want to kiss your stupid face, and I don't want to hold your hand. Just....I'm going back to campus. You need a ride?" He began to walk back towards the fair's entrance, ready to get the hell out of dodge. Lying through his teeth had never been his strong point but he had to keep lying so Castiel would eventually lay off. 

Castiel stopped walking, staring after him with a look as if he had kicked him. "No...I can call someone. It's okay, you can go." 

"Good." Dean shoved past him, walking away from the fair and out to his car. Please God let him never see Castiel Novak ever again. 


	4. mint & shampoo

The problem with wanting to avoid a certain unnamed person was that he went to a school that had about three thousand students total. Classes were small (which was part of the reason he had chosen this school) but that also meant that he happened to see Castiel more often than he would have liked. Of course, he could never remember seeing the guy  _before_ he had developed a crush on him, but now that he had one  _and_ now that he wanted to avoid him like the plague, he couldn't. 

Figures. 

In fact, Dean could see him from where he sat at this very moment. He also couldn't stop watching Castiel either, which was probably a problem since he was definitely staring. Eventually Castiel was bound to notice, and then they would make awkward eye contact, and then Castiel would probably walk over to his table to try and chat. And then-

"Hey Batman," Charlie interrupted his thoughts with a smile, quickly dropping her bag next to the chair across from him. 

"Oh..hey Charlie-what's up?" Dean took a bite out of his burger, glad that the campus food seemed to have improved over the past three years since he had enrolled as a freshman rather than worsen.  

"Ugh I had a stupid exam in my math class today, which was  _fine_ , it's not like I'm not good at numbers and shit...but man, I hate tests. Like I hate them with a flaming passion. Food good today?" 

He nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah it's not bad. Get the burgers, they're good." 

"Dude... _vegetarian_ , remember?" Charlie pointed to her shirt which had some weird cartoon that apparently only vegetarians and nerds alike would understand because Dean had  _no_ idea what it meant. 

"Right. Sorry....I guess the salad is probably good too." Dean shrugged, continuing to chow down on his red meat. He was just glad that Charlie wasn't one of those vegetarians that just  _had_ to shove their beliefs and reasonings down your throat. When Charlie went to go peruse the lines, Dean peered back over at where Castiel was sitting with a group of people. 

Honestly, he had never realized how popular the guy was but from the size of the table he sat at and the group that joined him, Dean could see that he was damn popular. He also appeared to be the center of attention as everyone was talking to him and listening to some story he was telling (hand gestures and all). Why did Castiel Novak have to be so attractive? Just...why? 

"Whatcha checkin out loser?" Charlie sang as she returned, turning to look over her shoulder at Castiel's table. "Ugh are you  _ever_ going to ask him out?" 

"No," was his short reply, trying to sound completely finite about the situation. "I already blew it anyway, so it's over now, okay?" 

"What do you mean you blew it already?" Charlie gave him a skeptical stare, her flaming red hair falling into her eyes, which she quickly brushed away in annoyance. She had sheared it short recently, which Dean had been quick to actually notice and compliment her one. Chicks digged compliments. 

"I told you...I went to the fair with him...he asked me if I liked him....we had this awkward conversation which ended in me leaving him there because he said it was okay...we haven't spoken since. And I want to keep it that way, okay?" Dean pointed a finger at her before wiping his hands free of grease. 

She responded with a rolling of her eyes, taking a bite out of her salad. " _Please_ , you are so fucking dysfunctional Dean.  _So_ , dysfunctional." 

"Besides, he's probably not even my type anyway...or I'm not his type-look at the people he's hanging out with. They all dress nicely fashionable, and they all socialize and be all popular and shit. I am the exact 180 of Castiel's social group." 

"So? And  _you_ are also popular, moron. You're the star of the football team, the wrestling team,  _and_ the baseball team. He's just popular with the theatre and dance kids, it's a different scene, yeah but it's not like you two have absolutely  _nothing_ in common. And I thought you would want to go to the dance concert with me, so I got tickets." Charlie grinned at him, completely smug with her own plan. 

Of course she had gotten him a ticket to watch the dance concert with her. He should have realized she wouldn't give up until he and Castiel were making out secretly in his room or in the darkest wings of the dance studio.  _Stop thinking about making out with him, it isn't gonna happen_. 

"Dean are you listening to me?" 

"Sorry-I didn't hear you-" Dean blushed, trying to look disgraced. 

Charlie rolled her eyes again. "Honestly, it's like talking to a brick wall sometimes....I  _said_ that you do not  _have_ to go but I think you should. If nothing else, experience a whole new side to college life. The dance department works just as hard as you...and you can see the stuff I painted." 

"Okay fine, we can go." 

"Really?" 

"Yes  _really_." Gathering up his plate and trash, Dean stood, trying to make it passed Castiel's table without really causing a scene but as soon as he turned around to return to his table, Castiel was standing there with a handsome blonde guy. "Sorry," he said immediately when he and Castiel almost collided. 

"Dean-" Those blue eyes filled with surprise, and they ended up standing there, staring at one another. They probably looked like idiots. 

"Um...hey Cas," he muttered lamely, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. 

"You know I didn't think I'd see you again," Castiel said, setting his plate down on the conveyor belt that would take the dirty dishes back to the kitchen. "But I'm glad I did." 

"Oh um...sorry, I've just been busy," he lied, hopefully smoothly. Well, it was only half of a lie, he really was busy with school and sports, but he was also honestly trying his damndest to avoid Castiel as much as possible. 

"That's okay, I've been busy too...preparing for the dance concert. Are you coming? It's this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday....in case you weren't aware.." 

Dean watched as Castiel glanced up at him shyly and that cute bastard proceeded to bite his bottom lip. Asshole. "Oh actually, yeah...Charlie got us tickets so I'm going with her. Not sure when, I probably won't know until an hour before, knowing her." 

"Great! I um...I'll look for you..." Castiel blushed, smiling up at him some more. 

"Cassy, Love, come  _on_ we gotta get to the studio or Crowley is gonna hand us our asses on a silver platter," the blonde man from before called, his accent thickly English. 

"Coming Balthazar-so um...I'll see you around?" There was hope in Castiel's eyes, and Dean almost felt guilty for lying. 

"Yeah...see you..." Dean watched Castiel walk away, his stomach doing gymnastics. Well, at least his lies were getting better....or maybe Castiel wasn't the one he had been lying to after all. 

\--

"Aren't you excited Dean?" Charlie asked him, bouncing up and down as they stood waiting to get into the theatre for the dance concert on Friday night. 

There were a million other things that Dean could have thought up to do and the dance concert was definitely last on his list. But he had promised he would go along....that and he was going to use his "watching experience" to write an event paper for one of his classes. Killing two birds with one stone really.

"Yeah, I guess I'm kinda excited....I dunno, am I supposed to be?" he asked, following her to their seat which was up in the balcony in the student section. Honestly, he was surprised with how full the theatre was filling up, and how quickly. How many people _came_ to this thing anyway? 

"It's going to be awesome, I've been dying to see it all the way through for weeks. Castiel's numbers are so good, I got to watch him do a solo and just...ugh he's so good Dean. Honestly, I think he's the best in the whole fucking department. He's going places." Charlie slid into her seat, pulling Dean down next to her when he didn't sit down fast enough for her liking. 

"Ow! Damn Charlie, easy on the hardware-" 

"You are such a wimp, relax." She angrily brushed her hair out of her face again, pulling out a bobby pin from God knows where to pin her bangs to the side. "Ugh there....anyway, so what did you tell your  _homies_?" 

"What?" 

"You know, your super-hegemonic-heterosexual-manly-men friends? What did you tell them you were doing tonight? Because  _God_ forbid you were coming to the dance concert, am I right?" Charlie nudged him in the ribs, her voice dripping with sarcasm. 

"I told them the truth, I told them I was coming here tonight. So what?" Dean shoved her off of him, not wanting to be rude or annoyed but well, he was annoyed, and when he became annoyed he tended to become rude. 

"Did they laugh-"

" _No_! God Charlie, who do you think I'm friends with, huh? They're not that bad, you know! At least I'm not friends with the damn nerd squad-" Oh man...oh  _man_...if there had ever been a time he wished he could have rewound his life and taken things back, this was definitely in the top five contenders. "Charlie-I-" 

"Whatever Dean." Charlie snapped dismissively. 

He stammered awkwardly, trying to find the right words to apologize with but nothing came to mind. The one time he had to blank it  _had_ to be now, didn't it? Ugh, he was awful with words (well spoken words) and he always had been. Which explained why his relationships never lasted beyond six months. Hell, sometimes they didn't last beyond six weeks. Six days even. 

"Charlie I'm sorry..." He gave her the most pathetic-kicked-a-cute-ass-puppy stare he could muster. "Really...I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I just keep saying shit I don't mean. I've been a real asshole lately and I'm sorry." 

"I  _know_ what's wrong with you but you don't want to hear it." Her voice had lost some of its edge, which he was grateful for, since Charlie was one of his best friends. 

"What's wrong with me?" Did he even want to know? Probably not. 

"You're frustrated Dean...romantically and sexually....and it's catching up with you. When was the last time you had honestly satisfying sex? Like you were done and you were like 'Holy shit snacks, that was amazing'? Ever? Have you  _ever_ felt that way?" She raised an eyebrow at him which just made his cheeks burn red hot. 

"Um..." 

"I mean...." Charlie looked around them before leaning into whisper. "Have you ever had sex with a guy before?" 

Yep, he really shouldn't have asked her. How was that her business? How was that  _anyone's_ business? He wanted to lie, he wanted to say 'of course I have' but he couldn't bring himself to even attempt to lie his way out of this one. "....no." 

"Seriously? Never? Damn, your self loathing runs deep, don't it? Honestly I feel sorry for you, you're pissed off all the time because you're stuck in a place you don't want to be in. You like Castiel but you won't give him the time of day, and now you're trying to ignore him? I can tell he likes you, I see how you two look at each other. There's so much sexual tension in the air it makes me want to gag on the testosterone. You're a frustrated mess Dean, and it's only going to get worse. Just ask him out...or ask him to fuck, one of the two. But do something before I do it for you." 

He hated it when Charlie made threats like this because he  _knew_ she'd come through. She would ask Castiel out for him and force him on a date, or she would tell Castiel he wanted to have sex with him, and he had  _no_ idea how that would pan out. In his favor he could only hope but....he wasn't really sure how easy Castiel happened to be. 

Dean opened his mouth to snap right back at her but then the lights were dimming and he had no choice but to shut up and watch the concert. He just hoped it wouldn't bore him to tears. 

\--

Tears. 

Actual tears were running down his face, and they weren't because he was bored. He could hear Charlie sniffling in the spot next to him so at least he was not the only one crying. 

How the hell did a fucking dance move him to tears? How was that even possible? He never cried, ever. He didn't cry at funerals, he didn't cry when he should...but he sure as hell was crying right now. When the lights began to turn back on, Dean was quick to wipe his face clean but he had a feeling that his eyes were red and puffy. Damn it. 

"Wow-that was so  _pretty_ ," Charlie whispered, wiping her own face with her scarf. 

"Yeah um...it was really good-" he said quietly, sniffling once. 

"Oh my God are you crying too?" 

"What?  _No_ -" 

"Bullshit, you are such a shitty liar Dean." He could hear the laughter in her voice as she stood up, gathering up her purse and coat. 

"Yeah, yeah whatever...you tell the guys about this and-" 

"Yeah, yeah I  _know..._ you'll find a way to get me back, whatever. Come on, let's go downstairs, I want to see if I can find Cas, I want to tell him how freaking awesome he is." 

Dean wanted to protest and tell her  _no way_ but somehow he ended up following her...and somehow they ended up in the crowd of students trying to find a certain pair of blue eyes. He was kind of hoping (not really) that they wouldn't find Castiel, but then Charlie had him by the hand and was trying to sort of politely excuse themselves over to where he was standing. 

"Cas!" Charlie cried out, breaking away from him and launching herself at the poor guy who smiled and awkwardly held her back in a hug. "You were  _amazing_." 

"Thanks...sorry I'm all gross..." Castiel pat her back, glancing over her should to meet Dean's eyes before looking at Charlie again. "You liked it, huh?" 

"Fuck yeah I liked it, it made me cry you asshole." 

Castiel laughed and Dean could feel his legs wanting to just give out. Even his laugh was attractive. Son of a bitch. "Well thank you, I'm glad you had a good time. What about you Dean, did you enjoy anything?" 

_Yeah, you. I enjoyed watching you....and wondering how that flexibility would come into the bedroom or not._ "Yeah, you guys were all really great." 

"Thanks." Castiel smiled, taking a swig of water from a water bottle he had in hand. 

"Are you doing anything after?" Charlie asked Castiel then, which made Dean pay very close attention. Why did he care so damn much? He just wanted to go back to his room anyway....

"Well I have to meet up with everyone in a little bit, go over what's happening tomorrow, and usually I go out with my brother Gabriel but he couldn't make it tonight, he'll be here tomorrow...so tonight I'm free in about twenty minutes." 

"We should go somewhere and celebrate," Charlie insisted, smiling brightly. "You pick." 

"Oh um...okay....I'm not too hungry so anywhere is fine, really. Pick a place and I'll yay or nay it, I guess." Castiel cast Dean a quick glance before smiling at Charlie expectantly. 

"How about we go to the frozen yogurt place? I'll buy." 

"Sounds good...I'll see you guys in twenty minutes." Castiel pressed a quick kiss to Charlie's cheek before disappearing again into the crowd and Dean assumed he would be going backstage. 

"You coming too Dean?" Charlie asked him, drawing him out of his thoughts. 

"...yeah I guess. May as well." He shrugged, trying to pretend that he was not in fact chomping at the bit with the desire to hang out with Castiel. Yeah, he had definitely been lying to himself all along. 

\--

How had they gotten here? How had this happened? Holy shit-holy  _shit_ -

Dean took a shuddery breath, his lungs felt like tissue paper and his heart was trying to crawl out of his chest. His mouth had turned into a desert and the palms of his hands an oasis. The lump in his throat refused to go down all of the way and Castiel smelled like mint and shampoo. 

His lips were deceptively soft. 

His face rough like sandpaper. 

And his body. 

Fucking Christ, his body was a hard line of muscle and sinew. 

"Fuck-" he breathed when the kiss ended. How had they gotten here? The last thing he really remembered had been when Charlie had smiled and left them together outside of their apartment complex. Castiel lived in the same campus apartments that Dean did, which he had not known before. 

Honestly one hour ago he would have been glad to climb into his bed and just forget about Castiel Novak. 

And now they were kissing? 

What. 

"Yeah you can say that again," Castiel whispered, half smiling. "Do you want to come inside?" 

Oh that's right, Dean had offered to walk Castiel back to his apartment (mainly so Dean could know which one belonged to Cas in the first place). And then they had stared at each other for a while until the tension could have been cut with a knife. He wasn't even sure which of them had made the first move to kiss. 

"Um-" Fuck say yes you idiot. He's offering you to come _into_ his apartment, which if you recall, he said he had to himself because he didn't like living with other people. Something about anxiety and never having had a roommate he liked well enough. 

"You don't have to." 

Dean licked his lips again, wishing he could just kiss Castiel again. He probably  _could_ but he had no courage to do so...meaning Castiel had probably been the one to kiss him. "I um...I-" 

"Really Dean it's okay." Castiel turned to unlock his door. "Have a good night, okay?" 

"Cas wait-" Fuck what was he  _doing_? "I....I like you-and-....that kiss...it was good....and I'd say yes, to coming inside...to....well I assume you're inviting me in for sex-normally I'd be on that bandwagon so hard and fast....but I don't wanna be that asshole who hits and quits this time....can....can we take it slow?" He gave Castiel the shyest look he could muster, which wasn't really all that difficult since the bastard made him shy as fuck. 

He watched Castiel smile, a real genuinely sweet smile. "Dean Winchester, are you asking me out?" 

"......yeah I guess I am." He blushed, toeing the ground in embarrassment. 

"I'd love to take it slow with you." 

Dean glanced up at him, his heart pounding even faster. "Yeah?" 

"Yes." 

"...okay...cool-..." Wow that was lame, just sew your damn mouth shut Dean. Fuck. 

Castiel grinned, tiptoeing up into his space to press a quick and chaste kiss to his lips again. "Tomorrow I don't have to be anywhere until rehearsal....I make pretty killer pancakes if you want to come over in the morning." 

".....I like pancakes." He hated getting up early....but he sure as hell would get up early to see Cas and eat his pancakes. The image of Castiel with bedhead, pajamas, and even  _more_ scruff made his jeans tighten. 

"How about we meet up at ten, then?" 

Dean nodded quickly. "I'll be here." 

"Good......good night, Dean." Castiel smiled at him shyly before finally unlocking his door and disappearing inside his apartment. He stood there until he could regain control of his legs again. 

He had never been more excited about pancakes before in his life. 


	5. the boyfriend lottery

Clearly he had a new fetish. 

Bed head, dark five o'clock shadow, low slung gray sweatpants, and a t-shirt that rode up just enough to show (sexy as freaking fuck) hip bones. That was his new fetish. 

"Morning Cas," he said with a smile, trying to force himself into being a morning person. 

"Good morning Dean," Castiel responded, stepping aside to allow Dean into his apartment. Dean's heart beat skipped as he made his way across the threshold, taking in the small space. Castiel's apartment was rather similar to his own (which made sense of course), it was just smaller since Castiel did not have three other roommates to live and share his space with. 

His TV was nice though, like damn, it was nicer than theirs that was for sure. And he had a lot of bookshelves, which were full of books. How could one person own so many books? On top of all of  _that_ , the room smelled nice, like vanilla or cookies or something delicious. Much better than his apartment which tended to smell like a mix of mud, sweat, and too much cologne to try and compensate. 

"I like your place," he commented lightly, going to sit at Castiel's dining room table, which still had four chairs despite Castiel living alone. 

"Thank you. Do you like chocolate chips? I could put those in the pancakes if you like." Castiel glanced over at him, removing a box of mix from a cupboard.

"Dude I love chocolate chips, that sounds awesome." He couldn't help but check Cas out as he stretched up to grab something from a high shelf. That shirt just kept riding up and up. _Damn,_ did Castiel have a body or what? Holy shit. Castiel could put the entire football team to shame, he was made of lean muscle and flexibility.  _And you get to kiss him and hopefully other things when you get to that point. You're a lucky guy and you're too afraid to show him off in public._

"So where do your roommates think you are?" Castiel asked quietly, and Dean could see that he was trying to be casual, but he could also tell that there was some eagerness to his question. 

"Um, well Ash was still asleep when I left, Henriksen was barely awake, and Adam went home for the weekend. I told Henriksen I was going to a friend's, which is true...he just probably thought I meant Charlie's." Dean shrugged, sliding out of his coat to hang over the back of the chair he rested on. 

"Ah, I see." Castiel nodded, flipping pancakes and plating them one by one. The smell was practically divine. "Well, I'm glad you're here." 

"Yeah me too," Dean agreed quietly. "Me too." 

Castiel sent a glance his way, smiling in amusement. "Yeah?" 

Dean nodded. "I've never wanted pancakes so badly before in my entire life, man." 

"You know you don't need to have an excuse to come over here, you can just show up and if I'm home and not direly busy, you can come in...just so you know." Castiel shrugged, finally turning the burner off and carrying over a huge stack of chocolate chip pancakes to the table. 

Dean stared at the plate that smelled like chocolate heaven and then his eyes fell on Castiel's pelvis and he almost drooled all over himself. Awkward. "Well that's good to know....you can come over to see me too if you want....I mean...that'd be okay. I live in IIE."

"That's the building across from this one, right?" 

"Yeah." Dean nodded, turning to scoot his chair in and wait patiently for a plate and a fork. 

"Okay, maybe I'll take you up on that at some time." Castiel smiled, setting a plate and silverware in front of him. 

"Yeah..you should-" Dean blushed, ducking his head in sudden embarrassment. "Cas-" Why did he grab Cas' wrist? What is wrong with you? You're going to end up regretting this so hard. "I wanna be out with you but I don't know how to be...." 

Castiel gave him the smallest of smiles, something private and special just for him, or at least that was how it felt. Then he leaned down to press a quick kiss to Dean's lips, and Dean couldn't help but chase his mouth in desperation when it ended too fast. "I know, Dean." 

"So...is it okay if we're not...out yet? ...I mean you can be out-I just meant...the two of us-together-and-" Just shut up. 

"Remember when I told you that I don't usually date guys in the closet?" 

Right. How could he forget that disastrous event? "Right....sorry I asked-" 

"Dean, let me finish." Castiel took his jaw in his hand before he kissed him again and this time the kiss made him dizzy and needy. How did he  _do_ that? "I will make an exception for now, I understand coming out is hard...but I like you and I'd like to help you get more comfortable with yourself." 

"So...so we can go out?" Holy shit, had he just won the boyfriend lottery? When Castiel kissed him again as an answer, this time with eager tongue, he could only think that yes, he definitely had. 


	6. cowboys & robbers

"Fuck- _fuck_ -I'm gonna kick your ass Ash-" Dean cursed again and Ash just cackled. There were no friends in Mario Kart. The doorbell was Ash's saving grace, or that was what Dean told himself as he glared and slowly clambered up from the floor to go answer the door. "Cas-" he stared in surprise at Castiel who stood on the other side, his cheeks flushed from the cold October air. 

"Hello Dean," Castiel greeted him as he always did, smiling slightly. 

Oh crap, Castiel was  _here_ , at  _his_ apartment. Which of course he had  _told_ Castiel would be fine and appropriate, that it would not be that big of a deal. However, now that he was here, Dean panicked and leaned against the doorway, blocking his view and entryway. "What are you doing here?" he finally asked. 

"Oh...I just wanted to come see you....it's been a while..." Castiel pointed out quietly, trying to peer over Dean's shoulder. "Can I come in? Or are you busy?" 

"Hey who's at the door Dean?" Ash called from the living room. 

"Um-" Dean cut off because Ash had become curious enough to walk over and look for himself. "You know Castiel right?" 

Ash snorted. "Oh yeah, I remember. I ran into you once and I thought you were going to kill me....that and man you are the most intense person I've ever met, like how the fuck do you even  _live_? Survive?" 

Dean really wanted to punch Ash in his stupid face because he was watching Castiel's and he could see the surprise and hurt. "Ash-" Dean growled in warning, annoyed with his friend. "Lay off, he's my friend." 

"You two are friends?" Ash asked then, pointing between the two of them as if that were the most ridiculous thing Dean could have uttered. 

More than friends,  _way_ more than friends. Unless other people cuddle and make out with their platonic friends too. " _Yeah_ ," Dean snapped, coming to his (secret) boyfriend's defense. "Back off, asshole." 

" _Sorry,_ it's just hard to imagine, whatever." Ash waved his hand in dismissal. "Either invite him in or go out there, you're letting all the heat out." 

Dean rolled his eyes, grabbing his jacket from the closet and stepping outside with Castiel, allowing the heavy door to shut. "Sorry Cas-" he muttered quietly. 

"It's alright Dean," was the response but Dean could see his hurt feelings. 

"Hey-come on-" Dean stepped close to him, wrapping his arms slowly around Castiel's thin waist, pulling him to a shadow near the stairs that hid them from view. "Don't be upset Baby..." 

Castiel glanced up at him through his lashes, allowing Dean to press him into the corner and up against the cold brick wall. "Baby?" 

"....yeah...figured I'd try out a nickname for you...you don't like it, do you?" Damn, he had been really looking forward to calling him Baby. 

However, Dean watched Castiel start to smile, his eyes lighting up. "No, I do like it...I like it a lot." 

_Score_. Dean grinned back at him, pressing a quick but eager kiss to his mouth. "I'd invite you inside but...." Damn, this was so awful and awkward, because he'd  _die_ to be out with Cas, he'd love it more than anything. But he could hardly admit it out loud to himself, let alone to his friends, teammates, and family. 

"It's okay....I'll just go home...I just missed you, you've been really busy with football-" Castiel blushed, looking away in quiet embarrassment. 

"I've missed you too," he replied quickly, cupping Castiel's rough cheek in his hand. "You know there's a big Halloween party at the frat house this weekend, you wanna...go?" 

"With  _you_?" Castiel asked, searching his face in surprise. 

Oh God did he want to say yes, he'd trade his football scholarship to say  _yes_ ,  _fuck yes_. But he couldn't and he wouldn't. "I mean...as a friend..." He gave Castiel the saddest stare he could muster, begging forgiveness silently. 

"Right...okay..." Castiel pushed him away then, and while the gesture was relatively gentle, Dean frowned anyway. "Good night Dean." 

Dean swallowed roughly, tears forming in his eyes because he could hear the annoyance in Castiel's voice. He blinked them away, turning to go back inside. It was only then that he realized that he had ended up locking himself outside. 

Perfect. 

\--

"I hope you realize you're going to end up completely fucking up and  _losing_ him if you don't get your shit together," Charlie berated him as they stood in the Halloween costume shop. 

"Yeah I'm  _aware_ Charlie," he growled in return, angrily going through costumes. He had not heard from Castiel in a week, not even a lousy good morning text. Nothing. He had texted Castiel several times throughout the week and he had gotten no replies. He had almost gone over to Castiel's apartment last night to demand to know  _what_ Castiel's problem was, he was clearly receiving and  _reading_ his messages. Thanks iPhone. 

But silence was his constant answer. 

"You should talk to him-" 

"I've  _tried_ to talk to him! Have you not been listening to me at all?!" Dean glared at her, annoyed that she could even suggest that route. "I've texted him every fucking day and he's reading them but he hasn't replied. He's being a fucking  _dick_ , and over what? A fucking lame ass party?!" 

Honestly, he could only think Castiel was being a total asshole, and he was tempted to tell him to go fuck off if he saw him at the party on Friday. 

"It's not just a lame ass party Dean," Charlie said quietly, drawing him out of his angry thoughts. "When your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to go to a party with you, it's not about the party. It's about going with  _you._ Castiel wants to be out with you because he likes you, and honestly, he's probably sick of not telling people about you guys. I know _I'd_ be sick of it. You guys have been dating for what....three or four weeks now? And have you ever really  _taken_ him on a real date?"  _  
_

"We go on dates!" They went on dates damn it. He took Castiel to the movies, and they got pizza, and they sat on Castiel's couch and watched movies together or played video games. 

"Yeah but are they  _date_ dates, or just friend dates?" 

"That's not really your business-" 

Charlie rolled her eyes, shoving a costume up and holding it under his chin, her eyes debating on whether it would look decent on him or not. Halloween was his favorite and he loved dressing up, but he had never been good with costumes. "It  _is_ my business if you want to keep your relationship afloat! Do you kiss him on these dates in public? Do you hold his hand? Wrap your arm over his shoulders? Be affectionate?" 

He could only move his gaze to the floor in shame because he only gave Castiel affection alone in Castiel's apartment. "No," he muttered quietly, folding his arms over his chest, and trying not to become emotional. "I don't." 

"And you wonder  _why_ he's being shorthanded with you?" Charlie rolled her eyes again. "You're a dumbass sometimes Dean Winchester." 

"How did you come out Charlie? How did you do it?" 

"Well, my parents kinda knew already....I mean I always put up chicks in bikinis on my walls and posters of Poison Ivy and Wonder Woman rather than Batman and Robin, y'know? And I met this girl at my high school, she was real nice, and she asked me to Prom one year, she was older than me...so I told my parents about her, and they told me they kinda figured it out already...after I told them? It was a piece of cake." Charlie held up another costume, shaking her head as she dug through them. 

That was what he had been worried about. Telling his parents. His father would  _never_ understand, and his mom would probably be fine...and Sam? He didn't even want to think about Sam. "Yeah...I was afraid of that." 

Charlie glanced back at him, slowly becoming sympathetic. "I know it's scary Dean, and really, when you draw it out and make it a big deal it  _becomes_ a big deal. Don't make it a big deal. Just tell them, just...casually bring it up over a phone call...I mean it's probably better to tell them face to face but I know you don't see them that often since they're out in Kansas." 

He sighed, wishing it could just be  _that_ easy. "I wish it was that easy. I really do...I'll-I'll figure it out-" Dean removed his phone, glancing at the screen, wishing Castiel would text him back. "I wonder if I sent Cas a picture if he'd respond." 

" _Ohh_ , what  _kind_ of picture?" Charlie winked at him playfully. "A  _naked_ -" 

"Shuddup," he muttered, embarrassed. He  _would_ send Castiel a nude photo of himself if they had gotten that far but they were doing the taking-it-slow-thing. "It's only been four weeks Charlie, we haven't even discussed sex-" 

" _Right_. And with your ways of wooing him, you'll probably  _never_ get laid if you keep it up." 

Dean could only half glare at her this time. Honestly, he knew she was right. The people in the next state  _over_ probably knew she was right. "Son of a bitch," he whispered to himself. 

"Yeah you can say that again," Charlie responded, holding up one last costume. "Oh yeah...this'll work." 

\--

When Charlie had picked out his costume, at first, Dean had really wanted to resist and protest, but now that he had it on and he could see himself in the mirror back in his room, he honestly liked it. He was supposed to be a rugged Robin Hood type character, hooded vest and all. Of course, it had cost more than he had wanted to spend because they had to search hell and high water to find a pair of knee high black boots. 

"You look  _great_!" 

Dean spun around, his heart thudding in his chest. Damn Charlie and her quiet feet. "Don't  _do_ that-you scared me half to death!" 

" _Sorry_." Charlie rolled her eyes, which had to be her signature move since she did it constantly. 

"What are you supposed to be?" Dean asked, looking her over in confusion. 

"I'm a lady-knight  _duh_ , and you're the Robin Hood/assassin character. We're gonna rock this so hard." Charlie smiled at him brightly. "Come on, let's get going, it's already packed." 

He nodded, walking over to pick up his phone and keys, glancing in vain at his inbox. Still empty. Fucking Castiel and his fucking stubborn pride.

Ass. 

The walk over to the frat house was long but only because the wind was biting through the thin fabric of their costumes and even though Dean hated crowds with every fiber of his being, he had never been so happy to step inside of the packed frat house. The music thrummed the entirety of the structure, making the walls and floor shake and quiver. Charlie turned to say something to him but he didn't hear her and before he could call her back, she was walking away, leaving him in the midst of the throng. 

Really, he shouldn't have wanted Castiel to be here somewhere, because he was angry at him, but that didn't stop him from searching the crowd. Each set of blue eyes and dark hair made his heart thump wildly but none of them belonged to Castiel. Stupid son of a bitch probably hadn't even showed up (which he did  _not_ care, nope, not one bit). Dean gave up, going to find some other people he knew, which were probably plenty. 

"Dean!" 

Dean frowned, wondering if he was hearing things but then his name was called again, so he turned around and this time( _thank God_ ) the eyes belonged to Castiel. He wanted to smile, really he did, but he kept it at bay, instead glaring down at him in annoyance. "What?" he snapped, wondering if he had even spoken loud enough for Castiel to hear him. 

Castiel slid past some more bodies and then they were standing extremely close together. Too close. Dean withdrew a step, not wanting people to stare at them. Of course, that was when he noticed Castiel's costume, and it made the breath in his chest hitch. Stupid,  _stupid_ Castiel was dressed like a damn cowboy - the tightly fitted Western shirt, blue jeans, chaps, boots, bandanna, hat and all. 

Fucker. He was too sexy for his own good. 

"I'm sorry," Castiel said, which Dean could hardly make out, but he could read his lips. Those deliciously soft and full lips. 

But Dean rolled his eyes, relieved when the music finally died down a little. "Yeah whatever Cas," he snapped, looking away, pretending to be interested in the table covered in candy and snacks. 

"Dean-I...I know I was being awful-ignoring you like that...I'm so sorry-I shouldn't have been so rude...I was just frustrated and I know you tried to apologize, and I just ignored it-" Castiel grabbed his hand then, squeezing. "Dean-" 

Panic filled his chest, and he stared at the way Castiel held his hand, which shouldn't have been a big deal, and as far as he could tell, no one was paying them any heed anyway. That did not stop his survival instincts from kicking in and practically ripping himself out of Castiel's grip. " _What_ are you doing?" he hissed, wiping his hand on his pants as if he had just caught a disease. 

A sad frown knitted between Castiel's eyebrows, marring his features. "I thought maybe if we just...if we just did it here....in front of people...it'd be easier on you? If I just-if maybe I was more aggressive about it-" 

" _No_ ," he growled in anger. "Don't do that again, got it?" 

" _Dean_ -" Castiel was practically begging him, stepping back into his space again. "Please...just-"

Dean stared at Castiel in alarm but then they were kissing. Holy fuck-holy fuck-holy _fuck_ _-_ For a moment, Dean sighed into the kiss, having honestly missed Castiel's mouth so badly. But when he felt Castiel tongue touch his bottom lip for entry, he yanked away, shoving Castiel's shoulders so hard, he knocked him to the floor. 

Okay _now_ people were staring. 

"Dean, what the fuck?" came Henriksen's voice.

Of fucking _course_ he would have been seen by his roommate. "Um-" Dean glanced down at Castiel who was staring up at him, waiting for Dean's answer. He wanted to tell them, he wanted to say that Castiel was his  _boyfriend_. But those words never left his lips. "Dude I don't know...he just fucking came onto me," he lied, kicking himself soon after. 

The crowd was staring more at them and Castiel was glaring so darkly that he had a feeling he would never receive Castiel's forgiveness ever again.

"I told you Cas," he said, wishing with all of his might that he did not have to put on this display. "I'm not into you like that, got it?" _I'm sorry Baby_.  

Castiel finally picked himself up off the floor, snatching the hat that had fallen off of his head on the floor. "Yeah, I get it."

Castiel turned and walked away then, and Dean watched him go in agony. He watched Castiel walk out the front door and he wanted to run after him. He wanted to scream an apology but it was all stuck in his throat. Tears threatened to ruin his composure, so he turned to face the table that had cups of alcohol.

Getting hammered had never sounded so good.  


	7. vulnerable

Who was moving the floor? Why would someone  _do_ that? Why would someone move the floor like this? How  _awful_. 

Dean tripped over his own feet, or maybe that was the rug, he really wasn't all that sure. The room just kept swimming and his head was trying to do the same. Actually, he was pretty sure his head was trying to leave his shoulders. 

"Dean?" 

He glanced up, trying to figure out the voice and then trying to focus on the fuzzy face in front of him. He could only groan in response, having lost the ability to form real sentences. Damn, who was talking to him? He knew that he  _knew_ this person, they knew his name so obviously he had to know them but his vision wouldn't focus. 

"Dean? Dude what  _happened_? Holy shit you are so fucking trashed man. Come on, let's get you home. Okay?" 

"Mmm....kay," he had to speak slowly and think extra hard on how to form a single world, let alone a sentence. The floor began to move again and he was pretty sure his feet were moving because the  _room_ was gliding, and then there was cold air on his face. Oh he was going to throw up.

Like now. 

\--

"Bro he got  _so_ fucked up-" 

"I thought you were supposed to  _watch_ him last night?" 

"Dean isn't my responsibility!" 

"He could have gotten himself killed! Did  _anyone_ see him drinking?" 

"No-" 

" _No_." 

"Did you  _hear_ what he was going on about? Ash said-" 

"Shut up Adam, he was _drunk_ -" 

Dean slowly opened his eyes, the hushed voices of his roommates filtering back to his fuzzy head and ears. He groaned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and glancing at the time. 3:35. Damn he had slept all fucking day. The floor seemed extremely far away as he made his way slowly down from his bed. As soon as he hit the floor, he rammed his hip into his desk. 

"Fuck! Son of a  _fucking_ bitch-" He usually didn't whimper but his hip throbbed at him and the noise ended up escaping his throat anyway. He had never been so hungover before, not once, and that included the time when he had gotten his ass kicked by his dad at sixteen and he had gotten his revenge by swallowing down an entire bottle of whiskey in one night. 

Every movement made his head throb and his stomach twist and do gymnastics.  _Fuck_. 

"Hey Dean-" Ash said quietly. 

When had he made his way into the hallway? "...hey." 

"You okay?" 

"Yeah," he muttered, rubbing his eyes again. 

"How much do you remember from last night...by chance?" Ash was giving him a weird look, and Dean could only dread what he had ended up saying in his drunken stupor. 

"I don't," he replied evenly, shrugging. "I just remember watching Cas go and then that's it...I don' remember anything else.....why?" 

Ash bit his lip, slowly shutting the door of the hallway, giving them more privacy. "You um...you were kinda going on about Cas last night, I mean you were slurring like crazy...but I definitely got the sense that you guys um-were um...involved? Which is cool man, if you're into that kinda thing-I just-I mean I didn't think you'd want people to know?" 

Oh no, oh  _no_. What had he said? What the hell had he said last night? "Ash-I-I was drunk man..I-..I don't know what I said-or-or what you heard- but I'm not-I mean-I-.....son of a bitch." He turned and stumbled into the bathroom to throw up and try not to just start sobbing. Great, now that Ash knew, that probably meant that the others knew. Meaning, everyone was going to  _know_. 

Really, the bathroom wall had it coming. 

"Dean? Dean-come on-open up-" 

There was blood on the wall, on his shirt, on his hands. Tears, ones that he did not ask for, were streaming down his face because his father was  _going_ to find out. His family. 

Sam. 

Sam was going to find out. His baby brother was going to find out that his older brother was a sissy faggot. That he liked cock over pussy. That he didn't want to have a girlfriend, and that the perfect person for him had a rough face and a hard body. Castiel Novak was not made of soft curves and long curly hair. Castiel Novak had peach fuzz in the mornings and he wore a musky cologne. Castiel Novak was perfect and he had blown it. 

Wiping his nose on the back of his sleeve, Dean slowly eased himself up from the floor and opened the bathroom door. Ash, Adam, and Henriksen were all staring back at him, frightened and worried. "What?" he snapped, shoving past them, ignoring his bloody hand, and going to the kitchen to get some water. 

"....Dean are you okay?" Ash asked quietly, following after him slowly. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," Dean snapped, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. Which was a load of crap and they all knew it but Dean Winchester was not a guy to just start blabbing his feelings. 

"Dean are you....?" 

"Am I  _what_ Henriksen?!" He spun around to glare at the bigger man. "Am I  _what_? Am I a faggot? Is that what you wanna ask me?!" 

Henriksen shifted awkwardly on his feet, giving him a saddened glance. "I mean...it's cool if you are-" 

"Yeah sure it is," Dean growled in annoyance, stepping around them all to go back to his room but Ash had him by the shoulder. " _What_?!" 

"Dean it's okay...we don't  _care_ if you're gay. It's cool man, it's no big deal...if you are...and if you like Castiel Novak then okay that's cool too..." Ash shrugged. "We just want you to be happy because we're your friends Dean, and if Castiel makes you happy then....we'll still tease you about how much sex you're  _not_ getting." 

He watched Ash wink and smile at him, as if this acceptance made everything better. He did have to admit that it made everything a little better, knowing he wasn't going to be tormented by his own roommates was comforting. "...thanks guys...but it doesn't matter, I screwed up...and I'm sure he doesn't want to see me ever again." 

"Yeah well we'll see about that." 

He wasn't sure if he wanted to know what that meant. 

\--

"If you work any harder Cassie you'll end up spraining something." 

"Yeah, yeah I  _know_ , stop hounding me!" 

Dean glanced up from his solitary lunch as Castiel and his friend Balthazar walked by their table to take up residency at one of the large round tables by the window. He had been working extremely hard to  _not_ avoid Castiel this time, he kept hoping to run into him so they could hopefully talk and have a civil conversation. However, somehow he had not seen Csatiel in a week, not even a passing glance on the sidewalk or in the coffee shop where Castiel always bought hot tea. 

This would probably be his only chance to try and make things right between them. Of course, this was probably the  _dumbest_ idea he had ever had too. But he had to try. "Cas-wait-" Dean got to his feet, grabbing Castiel's elbow frantically as he almost walked passed him again. 

Castiel spun around, yanking his elbow free. "Dean-" 

"Cas...can we talk? Please? Just-just give me five minutes-" 

"I have  _nothing_ to say to you Dean Winchester." Castiel glared at him, taking a step away to keep his distance. 

"Okay that's fine but there's so much I want to tell you, so could you give me a minute? If you don't want to see me or talk to me ever again after this, then fine, but  _please_ hear me out...please..." Dean stared at Castiel longingly. God please let this work. 

"....you have five minutes." 

Crap. Now that Castiel had  _given_ him his five minutes, he blanked. "Um-I-...." Calm down Winchester, you've faced worse odds, Castiel is nice and understanding. He'll understand....he'll  _understand_. "Cas, I like you a lot...you-you make me smile and you make me feel those stupid butterflies you're supposed to feel when you look at someone. I wanna take you out and show you off....I wanna kiss your stupid face and hold your hand in public....and I wanna brag to the guys about you, about how I have the best damn boyfriend in the whole world, and I'm the luckiest guy on campus because I'm dating you....but I know I screwed up." 

Castiel nodded slightly, giving him a skeptical stare. "Yes, you did." 

"And for that I'm  _so_ sorry...I panicked Cas, I freaked out-I-....I was just thinking about myself and not about you...and not about  _us_. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I'll do better this time, I'll take you on a real date, and we can be out and open about it. You can tell your friends about us, your family even....I'll be the best guy you've ever had, I swear. I'll treat you good and right.....I'll do all the things I was supposed to do the first time around-I swear it...." He glanced up at Castiel shyly, biting his lip, praying that he looked vulnerable enough for Castiel's sympathies to kick in. 

Castiel kept frowning at him, obviously skeptical about this whole conversation, still too far away for Dean's liking. He really just wanted to bury his face in Castiel's sweater and breathe in his perfect smell. "Dean, I-....I can't....I just-what you did..." 

"I know-it was awful. I  _know_...I'm sorry...I've never been more fucking sorry before in my whole life Cas, and I'll make it up to you....please? Just-...one more chance?" 

Castiel took a deep breath and then, to Dean's (thrilled) surprise, he took a step, and then another until they were standing so close that Dean could have leaned in and kissed him. "One more chance Dean." 

Holy shitfuckdamn. It had worked. Ash had _told_ him to just talk and spew and let it all out. It had  _worked_. A slow and honestly happy smile filled his face. He didn't even care when he heard mock cheering from the football team's table when he grabbed Castiel's face and kissed him. 

 


	8. tomato rice soup

"I'm noth sickth Casth," he insisted in protest as Castiel fussed around him in his bedroom. "I'm fineth." 

"Yes, I can tell by your runny nose, stuffed up voice, and the hacking," Castiel replied coolly, tucking him in further. 

"C'mon Casth-stapth." Dean tried to fight Castiel off but his body was weak and exhausted. He had been battling a terrible cold for the last week and a half, and it just wouldn't go away. 

"What would you like me to make you Dean?" Castiel fluffed up his pillows and handed him the TV remote he had for his small bedroom television. 

"Nudding-" Dean protested again, but Castiel fixed him with  _the look_. The look that made his balls shrivel. "....my Momth usedth to maketh me tomato riceth souf." 

Castiel nodded, leaning into press a warm kiss to his forehead. "Okay, you watch TV and rest, I'll make you some souf," he teased with a wink. 

"Shuthup," Dean glared, sniffling his nose in annoyance, but from the look on Castiel's face he knew he was not very intimidating. "Casth leavth the door open?" 

Castiel nodded, propping the door open and disappearing down the hallway and then soon after Dean could hear Castiel chatting with Ash, while banging around in the kitchen. If Dean were being  _really_ honest, he would have to admit that he was really glad that Castiel was here to take care of him. He had never had someone  _want_ to take care of him before, at least not anyone who was not his mother. 

He had  _told_ Castiel that he would probably end up getting sick too, stupid bastard. Then Dean would have to take care of  _him,_ which Dean had to admit sounded kind of nice. He also knew for a fact that he was really good at taking care of other people. Since he had always been there to help take care of Sammy. 

Sammy. 

He had told Sam about being gay, and about lying to himself for the past twenty-two years, and Sam had snorted and told him that he had  _known_. Cheeky snot-nosed brat...but Dean couldn't help but smile to himself as he channel surfed from the comfort of his bed. He would be going home soon for Thanksgiving and he could only hope that he wasn't sick by that time. 

That and he had yet to tell his parents. He had asked Sam to not say anything. He had never been more nervous about making an admission to his parents before. 

"Casth!" he called, but then a coughing fit took over and he could only hack mindlessly. Damn. Go figure. 

"Dean?" Castiel appeared in the doorway, peering in at him, before rushing over, hands practically flapping to hand him his glass of water for him to drink. "Here-" 

Dean nodded, his ribs aching as he slowly took sips of water, finally able to breathe again. The one thing he hated more than reality television was being sick. That and he was hardly  _ever_ sick, so being sick was the one thing he despised more than anything. "Ugh-...I hateth beingth sickth," he groused, whining. 

"I know Dean," Castiel said gently, helping him sit up more. "Your soup is almost ready, i'll be right back." 

"Kay," he mumbled, sniffing and blowing his nose until his head hurt.

Castiel walked out of the room again, making some more nice chitchat and then returning with a tray on which sat a bowl of steaming soup and a spoon. Next to that Dean saw that Castiel had placed a small cup of cough syrup. 

Okay he had lied. The thing he hated worse than reality television was _cough syrup_. It tasted God fucking  _awful_ , a fate worse than death, and Castiel just kept  _insisting_ that he drink it down. "Nooo," he moaned, refusing to let Cas hand him the medicine. 

" _Yeeess_ ," Castiel insisted, placing the brim against his lips. "Dean it will make you feel better, come on...don't make me call your Mother because I  _will_." 

"My Mudder is in  _Kansasth_ ," Dean replied but then in hindsight he realized that had been a  _terrible_ idea, because that sly bastard slid the medicine down his throat, almost choking him. He glared at Castiel full force, slowly swallowing the awful stuff. "I hateth you." 

Castiel grinned in triumph, boosting himself up and sitting next to him against the wall and slowly spooning soup into his mouth. Dean blushed at this act of kindness, as Castiel blew slowly on the spoon, and then gently pressed it into his mouth, feeding him slowly. If anyone else but Castiel had decided to feed him soup like this, he would have punched them in the nose. But this was  _Cas_ , and Cas was the sweetest and best boyfriend Dean could have asked for. 

"Casth-thath's-hot-" Dean whimpered when Cas gave him too hot of a bite, burning the roof of his mouth, almost spitting it back out. 

"I'm sorry," Castiel said quickly, grabbing a napkin to dab at Dean's chin. 

"Casth I can feedth myselfth." His mother had always rolled her eyes at him when he grumbled and groused because he did it all of the time when he was sick. So when Castiel did the same gesture he couldn't help but smile a little. 

"You know for a sick guy, you complain a  _lot_ ," Castiel pointed out, booping him on the nose with the spoon lightly. 

"Shu-" He was cut off when Castiel shoved the new spoonful into his mouth, which he angrily glared around the spoon. Stupid Castiel and his stupid niceties. " _Casth_ -" 

"Dean Winchester you hush and finish this soup right now or I will take it away from you, you hear me?" Castiel wagged the spoon at him, glaring. 

Dean snorted slightly. Castiel really  _was_  like his mother. Of course they always did say that boys sought out women like their mothers, apparently he had been secretly seeking out a man who would be like his mother. "Youth like my mudder, you knowth thath?" 

Castiel smiled fondly, giving him the last spoonful. "There, now was that so hard? Hm?" Castiel carefully slid down to the end of the bed, climbing down, and grabbing the tray to carry out to the kitchen. 

Dean continued to whine and groan until Castiel came back to glare at him, shutting the bedroom door behind him as he returned. "Caaassth-" 

" _What_?" Castiel folded his arms over his chest. "I fed you soup, I tucked you in, I've given you medicine, there isn't anymore I can do for you Dean. You need to rest and sleep." 

He pouted, reaching out for Castiel with pathetic grabby hands. "Casth I wanth you." 

"You want  _me_ , huh?" Castiel smirked, slowly climbing back up into bed with him, sitting next to him against the pillows. "And what does my sick man want me to do for him now? Hm?" 

Dean grinned playfully, the cough medicine making him braver than usual. "Blow me Casth-" he teased, winking. 

"You want me to  _blow_ you? Dean Winchester! I should wash your mouth with soap!" Castiel rolled his eyes, but then to Dean's surprise, Castiel moved and sat down on his shins. 

"Whath are you doin' Casth?" Dean blinked, confused. 

"Blowing you, that's what you asked for, isn't it?" Castiel asked him innocently, tugging the edge of his blanket until he could see Dean's flannel pajama bottoms....and the chubby Dean was now embarrassingly sporting. 

"Casth-" he whispered, his heart hammering hard in his chest. He had not expected Castiel to  _actually_ do this. He had been kidding! Kidding! And here Castiel was, prepared to give him a damn blow job in the middle of the Sunday afternoon while he was sick as a dog. He gulped audibly, gripping the sheets beneath him tightly already. "You don'th haveth to-" 

"What if I want to?" Castiel asked, glancing up at him, before slowly moving his fingers to the edge of his waistband, ready to tug it down. 

"Casth-I-Casth-waith-" he cut off when Castiel pulled his pajamas out of the way, his heart slamming harder against his chest. 

Castiel paused, just short of revealing his slowly hardening cock. "Do you really not want me to do this?" 

"You'll geth sickth-" 

"Honestly Dean I'm probably already a dead man walking, and if this will make you feel better, then I'll gladly do it for you." 

Holy shit. This was really happening, wasn't it? Holy  _shit_ -Castiel was gonna blow him. For real. He and Castiel had been hinting at furthering their relationship for a while now, but they had always cut short out of nervousness. But now,  _now_ , Castiel was wrapping his hand around him and stroking lightly and loosely to arouse him completely. 

Son. Of. A. _Bitch_. 

"Casth-" he muttered, biting his lip and then letting his head falling back against the pillows when Castiel gave him a slow tentative lick. "Shith-" 

Castiel chuckled slightly before running his tongue along the head of Dean's cock, lavishing his slit until Dean could see the salty precome along his bottom lip. He whimpered and keened pathetically when Castiel continued to lick him, teasing the sensitive head over and over. Fuck he was gonna come just like this, without Castiel ever taking him fully into his mouth. 

Don't come  _now_. Not now-not  _now_ -no- Dean took a deep breath, trying to keep himself from shooting off so quickly, groaning weakly, heat pooling quickly in his belly. Castiel clearly knew exactly what he was doing because this was surely the best blowjob he had ever had and Dean had had a few in his short life. 

" _Cassth_ ," he groaned, toes curling tightly into his bed. "Casth I'm gonna cometh-Casth-" Castiel smiled and then he plunged down on him, taking him tightly and deeply into his mouth.Oh  _fuckingChristfuckfrickfuckinghell_ -. "Fuckth!" Dean gasped, hitting the bed over and over as he came in a hot thick load down Castiel's throat. 

"Mmmmmmmm," Castiel moaned against him, keeping Dean's cock in his mouth until Dean whined for him to stop, pulling back with a wet pop. "You taste good....for a sick guy." 

"Shuthup Casth-" he grumbled half-heartedly, his entire body going limp into the bed, his eyes now so tired he couldn't keep them open. Damn he hoped he got more of  _this_  often and soon. 

\--

"What'd I tell you?" Dean asked smugly, watching as Castiel shuffled around the dance studio, constantly sniffling his nose. 

"Shut up," Castiel snapped in return, gathering up his things and stuffing his duffle bag full.

Dean laughed, leaning against the cool wall, arms over his chest. He _knew_ Castiel was going to get sick after all of the kissing and oral he had been giving him. "Told ya you'd get sick, you stubborn-" 

"Dean," Castiel said, exasperated. "Are you going to just rub it in some more or are you going to carry this for me?"

Dean smirked, reaching over to carry Castiel's duffle bag for him, slinging it over his shoulder. "I got it Babe," he said fondly, rubbing Castiel's back through his sweatshirt. He could feel the sweat that was pooling there through the thin fabric.

"Thank you," Castiel muttered, slowly walking out of the studio with Dean, heading off towards his apartment for the evening. "What time are you leaving tomorrow? For Thanksgiving?"

"After my last midterm at two. My flight leaves at six. You goin' home for Thanksgiving Baby?" Dean kept his arm around Castiel's waist, trying to help keep him warm since Castiel was  _always_ cold. no matter how many layers he had on. That and Dean was positive that Castiel definitely had a fever, because even though he knew Castiel was shivering, he could feel the heat radiating through his clothing.

"No."

Dean frowned, taken aback. "No? Why not? I thought your folks were close by?"

Castiel shook his head, pulling his keys shakily out of his pocket, fumbling with them as they stood in front of Castiel's apartment door. "No, I'm from Rockland Maine. It's a fourteen hour drive and since I go home for Christmas-" Castiel paused as he opened the door, quickly going inside where it was warm, Dean on his heels.

"Yeah?" Dean prompted gently.

"My parents don't bother getting me a flight ticket home since I will be coming back in a few weeks. I just stay at school."

Dean blinked in surprise.  "Oh...you just stay here? That's....that sucks....you-you want me to stay with you?" Why had he offered to do that for? His Mom would kick his ass. Not to mention his father.

"What? No, no, you go home. Your little brother and parents will want to see you." Castiel waved his hand dismissively.

Dean  paused, wondering if he could pull some strings and get Castiel a ticket on his flight with him...or they could just drive. It was a ten hour drive but Dean hated flying to be honest. "You wanna come home with me?" 

Castiel took his duffle bag back from Dean, dumping it in the closet by the front door, tilting his head, and squinting his eyes in classic confused Castiel style. Dean loved his confused face, it was so cute. "But-you're flying tomorrow..." 

Dean shrugged slightly. "I could drive, it's kind of a long drive but I hate flying....I hate heights....I told Mom I'd probably end up driving anyway, so...if you wanna come....you can come back with me." 

"I'm sick Dean, I should stay here and get better. I don't want to get your family sick, so it's okay, really. You go home and I'll be here for you when you get back. Okay?" Castiel gave him a fleeting smile, before tiredly turning to go back to his bedroom.

"You sure?" He almost tripped trying to get out of his boots since Castiel didn't like anyone wearing shoes inside the apartment, fumbling around clumsily until he finally had them off. 

"Yes," he heard Castiel call over his shoulder. 

"Hey wait-" Dean hurried after Castiel, sliding into the bedroom, pausing to appreciate the stare of Castiel's gorgeous back. So many rippling muscles in one person, he really had no idea how it was all possible. "Jesus Christ." 

Castiel slowly turned around, rolling his eyes. "Not quite," he returned sassily. 

Dean snorted, smirking. "You know what I meant, take the compliment you sexy bastard." 

"I'm going to go shower and then I'm going to go to bed," Castiel informed him. "And you are going to go home so you're not late for your exam and so you can study and so I can get better. Okay?" 

"Cas..."

"Go on Dean, go back to your apartment." 

"Baby I wanna stay the night-" 

" _Dean_ , go right now." Castiel began to dig around for some pajamas, throwing articles of clothing every which way. "Please? Just come see me before you leave, I'll be here all day." 

"... _fine_ ," Dean sighed, walking over to press a kiss to Castiel's cheek. "Good night Baby." 

"Good night Dean. Have a good holiday." 

Dean smiled slightly, honestly hoping the same damn thing. "Yeah," he whispered. "Me too." 


	9. a season for misgivings

"Dean!!" 

A huge smile filled his face the second he climbed out of the Impala and was practically tackled backwards by his younger brother Sam, who apparently was no longer a short shit. "Who the hell are you and what did you do with my snot faced brother? Huh?" 

Sam grinned back at him, squeezing him in the hug for a moment before letting go. "It's good to see you too." 

"C'mere." Dean yanked Sam back in for another hug, patting his back. "When did you grow, dude? You were supposed to stay tiny forever!" 

"Dean, I'm seventeen now, I think it was by time I grew," Sam pointed out, rolling his eyes. 

"Yeah, yeah whatever...where's Mom and Dad?" He glanced over Sam's shoulder for a sign of his parents but the house was silent. "How come Mom isn't out here all-" he paused to put on a fake sobbing face. "My  _baby_?" 

Sam laughed, helping Dean bring his stuff up to the front door. "Mom had to run to the store and Dad is still at work, it's just us." 

"Oh... _lame_." Dean rolled his eyes, secretly upset that his mother was not here to greet him like usual. 

"Well if you had  _flown_ -" 

"Shhhhh," he cut Sam off playfully, following him up the stairs to his old bedroom. The room was still the same as it had been when he had lived in Lawrence. The only difference was the room was actually clean because Dean was not around to keep it a wreck. Posters of hot babes on hot cars plastered all over the walls made him flinch now. "Need to redecorate."

Sam snorted. "I'll get you some posters of football players and male underwear models." 

He rolled his eyes, tossing his bags on the bed covered in (yes) a plaid bedspread. "Shut it or I'll hack your Facebook and write about how you want a dick down your throat." 

"You wouldn't-you don't know my passwor-" 

"Your passwords is boobies." 

"Is not!" 

"Dude your password has been boobies since you were like twelve." He laughed when Sam cast him a dark look before rushing out of his bedroom and back down the hallway. "It's good to be home Sammy!" He heard Sam respond with something that Dean had a feeling was inappropriate, but he smiled, sitting down on the bed to text Castiel. 

- _made it home baby =)_

- **I'm glad. Have a good Thanksgiving Dean** **  
**

Castiel  _always_  typed regular sentences as if he were writing a paper, it was quirky and totally Castiel thing to do all at once. 

- _i will u get better, ok?_

- **Okay :)**

Dean placed his phone on the bed, and then he heard the front door open and his mother was calling for Sam's help. Smiling, he jumped to his feet, beating Sam to the punchline, and quickly coming to stand in the kitchen with her. "Hey Mom." 

His mother paused in putting groceries away, almost dropping the eggs in her hands, quickly turning with a smile that let Dean know how happy she was to see him. "Dean...oh Honey, you're  _home_. I didn't know when you'd be here-I wouldn't have gone out-how long...?" 

Dean smiled, walking over and giving her a hug after she set the eggs down. "Ma I  _just_  got here like fifteen minutes ago, don't worry about it." 

"Oh good-" his mother squeezed him tightly, placing a kiss to his cheek and temple. "I'm so glad you're home, Sweetie." 

"Yeah me too....hey um..when is Dad coming home? I kinda have something I need to tell you both...it's important..." He bit his lip, nervous about the idea of coming out, but since he liked Castiel so much it was probably time to tell them. If his super macho roommates could accept him, then he had hopes that his parents would too (but that was probably a misplaced hope).

"He'll be home soon, is everything okay?" She went back to putting groceries away, giving him a worried glance. 

"Yeah...yeah it's nothing bad..it's just important, that's all...and I figure I should tell you both at the same time..." He glanced down at the floor, wishing his face would stop turning so red. If he told both of them at once, he would have to only say it all once,  _and_  he was hoping his mother would be on his side. Hopefully, he wouldn't be getting his ass kicked tonight. 

"Well he'll be home pretty soon, probably on his way back now I'd expect. So...how is school?" 

"School is good....pretty sure I did okay on my midterms." Castiel had helped him study which he was super grateful for since he hated studying. He was just glad that his boyfriend believed in  _positive_  reinforcement. 

_"Cas I don't_ wanna _study anymore," he had groused, glaring at his textbook._

_Castiel had smiled and walked over to kiss his cheek, slowly moving his hot mouth to Dean's neck, kissing and licking in places that made him squirm. "If you do one more practice problem, I'll lick you somewhere else."_

He blushed at the memory, trying to tell his brain to  _stop_  so his body would behave. He did  _not_  want to get a boner in front of his mother like he was twelve again, and hadn't been able to stop himself from getting one in the grocery store in aisle eight. Peas were not sexually stimulating but his dick hadn't thought the same way. 

"Good, that's good....any new lady friends?" she asked innocently with a smile. 

Yeah, he wanted to say. His name is Castiel Novak and he dances like a god...his body is like a god's too....and his voice is so hot he should be a sex line operator. But instead, Dean shook his head. "Nah...been too busy working and studying and stuff." 

"Well that's good too, you  _should_  be studying." Mary Winchester turned to start making dinner, which she always did before his father came home. "What do you want to eat tonight Honey? You pick, and I'll make it." 

Oh gosh, that left the door wide open. His mother's cooking was one of his favorite parts about coming home. She made great pie. She made great  _everything_  but the pie was to die for. "Ugh....I dunno....pie?" 

Mary smiled, giving him a playful shove. "I know you want pie, I meant for dinner." 

"Pie," he replied smartly with a quick smile. 

"He  _always_  wants pie," came Sam's voice as he finally made his way into the kitchen. "You're gonna turn  _into_  a pie, you moron." 

"Hey better than that green shit  _you_  call food," he snapped back. 

"Boys!" his mother snapped, pointing a spoon at them the way she had used to when they had been just kids. 

Yeah, Dean had missed this. 

\--

He would tell them once the pie was over, he couldn't ruin a good piece of pie. Not with a coming out story. Not with the threat of his father's wrath looming over his head. Yes, once the pie was over, he would tell them both. "Thanks Ma," he said once she placed a piece of homemade apple pie in front of him, her hand coming up to pet and touch his hair lightly. 

Man he had missed being home. 

"So Dean, what did you want to tell your father and I?" Mary asked then after she had served everyone a slice of pie. 

Or maybe he would have to tell them now after all. Damn. "...oh um...." He glanced at his pie, slowly setting the fork down, his stomach doing gymnastics. "It's um-I.....Mom, you know how you asked me if I had met any girls?" 

"Yes." 

"Well...I-....I mean I met....a um-a-..." Just say it damn it! Just tell them you met a _guy_. "I...met a guy, his name is Cas and he's really great. He's dances and he's super smart and super handsome and I really like him and I want to maybe bring him home sometime if that's okay..." He spat the sentence out so fast, and his parents were both staring at him as if he had lost his mind, that he began to wonder if he had spoken  _too_ fast. "...should I try that again?" 

"You met a boy?" his mother asked. 

"Yep....he's...super great Mom...really-he's a real class act....." He blushed, feeling his face slowly starting to burn. 

"Oh...well that's wonderful Honey, we would love to meet him, isn't that right John?" 

Dean glanced over at his father slowly, worried that he was about to get his face kicked in. His father probably never imagined that  _his_  son could and would be gay."I think you'd like him Dad....he's real smart..." Oh please that be enough, please God. 

"Hm," was his father's reply as he began to eat his pie. 

Dean blinked. That was it? He got a grunt about being gay. That was  _it_? He realized that he should be less upset about this, he should be thrilled, but this was a real struggle he had faced for the longest time, and all he got was a  _grunt_ in response. "...is...is that it?" 

"What do you  _want_ me to say Dean?" John asked. "Hm?" 

"I-...I don't know! Do something! Say something! It took me almost twenty-two years to come out of the closet and you just grunt me at?! Seriously?! I know you're pissed, I know you want to punch me and shove my face into this table until my eyes bleed-" 

"Dean," his father said, cutting him off. "That's enough." 

Was he serious? He was serious. Sometimes, he would get angry and say things he didn't mean. He tended to have foot in mouth disease. Everyone knew he had a problem and he couldn't help himself. Of course, he still regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. "Dad you're such an asshole you know that?!" 

"Dean!" his mother gasped in surprise. 

Dean blinked, his heart sinking. "Dad-I didn't-...I-" His father looked at him and then there was just silence and eating dinner calmly, which only unnerved him more. "Dad, I'm sorry...."

His father cast him another glance and then he was getting up and taking his plate to the kitchen. The silence that followed made him want to whimper like a child. 

\--

"Hey you're all better," Dean commented when Castiel answered the door, trying to give him a smile. Honestly he was just so tired all he wanted to do was crawl into Castiel's bed and sleep for the next six hundred years. 

"You're back...early...?" Castiel tilted his head to one side in confusion. "Break isn't over until Monday...." 

"Yeah I know," he muttered quietly. "Cas...can I just come in? Please?" He had not expected his voice to break or tears to sting his eyes but he hadn't really expected any of this. 

"Yeah," he heard Castiel whisper. 

As simple as Castiel's reply was, he had found a new thing to be thankful for this season. 


	10. scribbled lines

He had not spent time with the guys in what felt like forever, however they had saved money on alcohol consumption. But Dean would be lying if he said he was not looking forward to tonight's drinking session at the roadhouse. 

"Dean come on!" Ash called. 

"I'm comin! Damn, hold on-" Dean reached for his phone and almost jumped out of his skin when it started to ring. 

Castiel. 

"Hey Baby," he greeted with a small smile. He had not really heard from his boyfriend since he had returned from Thanksgiving. Castiel had been great that night. Comforting him, telling him that everything would eventually be okay. He still had his doubts about that but so far he found himself feeling better.

"Dean," came Castiel's happy voice. "Where are you, are you busy right now?" 

"Ugh..." Dean trailed off, holding up his finger to Ash as his roommate came to stand in his doorway. "Well, I was just about to go out..." 

"So you  _are_ busy? Damn-okay...never mind," Castiel muttered. 

"What's the matter Baby, you need somethin'?" Ash gave him an annoyed face but he turned his back on him. 

"Oh...well I just got free from the studio, I was hoping you'd could come over.....haven't seen you in a while..." 

He could hear Castiel moving around his apartment and Dean's mind began to wander to what Castiel could be wearing right now. Probably his sweaty dance clothes if he just got in. The thought alone was making his dick hard. "Um-" 

"I'll make it worth your while," Castiel purred. 

If his brain could have produced a key smash, it would have. "O-okay Baby-I'll be there-" 

" _Really_ Dean? We haven't got to have a guys' night in forever and now you're just bailing to hang out with Cas-" Ash began but Dean was already practically bowling him over. 

"I'm going to get  _laid_ , so yeah, getting laid definitely beats drinking," he called over his shoulder. Sex, he was getting sex. Good sex. Probably a blow job. Castiel loved giving him head, and really how could he pass that up? Breaking promises was not something he usually did but  _sex_. Sex with his boyfriend. 

Damn he had never imagined himself thinking  _that,_ let alone it being a reality.  _  
_

"Dean, where are you going?" Henriksen called but he was already rushing down the steps of his building to jog over to Castiel's. 

"He's getting "laid"," he heard Ash reply bitterly. 

"He's  _whipped_."

Damn right he was getting laid and he and no qualms about that fact either. He could go drinking any night, but getting Castiel to put out was a hell of a lot harder than getting drunk. Not that Cas didn't  _like_ sex because Dean was pretty sure he did, but they did not have sex often enough for Dean's liking. 

Wait...whipped? 

He was  _not_ whipped. What the fuck, he was not whipped. Sure, he was going over to see Castiel because he was going to get laid. Not because he was whipped. He was most definitely, one hundred percent not whipped. 

Not whipped. 

Right. 

"Hello Dean," came Castiel's voice and it was only then that Dean realized he was actually standing by Castiel's door. "You look nice." 

When had he gotten to Castiel's apartment? When had he rung the doorbell? Man he was really losing it tonight. "Oh um...yeah thanks-" Dean glanced down at his outfit, which wasn't really different from his usual plaid, t-shirt, jacket and jeans combo, but he'd take the compliment.

"Are you coming in?" Castiel asked him. 

"Um..yeah..." He trailed off, looking back over his shoulder in time to see his friends heading off towards Ash's truck. He should have been with them, not here, not with Cas..but here he was with Cas. Why was he with Cas? Oh right, sex. 

_Sex_. 

Shaking himself off, Dean put on a smile and stepped into Castiel's apartment, ready to just shove him up against the nearest wall. "So how are you Baby?' he asked, which was more out of politeness than actual curiosity. 

"Good. I'm glad you're here," Castiel purred, leaning up to kiss him. 

"Yeah me too," he muttered against those perfectly pink lips. Oh God this was totally worth it. 

\--

This was totally not fucking worth it. Why had he come here again? Why had he come to Castiel's apartment? Oh right, he had come to have sex...and what had they done since Dean had arrived? 

Nothing. 

Okay that was a lie, they had kissed a little...made out kinda...and now Castiel was busy going on a rant about dancing and a new piece he was having to choreograph himself. They were most definitely  _not_ having sex. He could be getting fucking smashed right now but no, he had come to Castiel's side like a lost puppy. 

God he really  _was_ whipped. 

"Cas...Baby-" he couldn't stop himself from cutting Castiel off. Honestly, Dean was surprised his ears weren't bleeding yet. 

"Yes?" 

"...could we um...do somethin else now?" Dean bit his lip, his eyes wandering over to the clock. The guys were probably at their second bar already, and his fingers were itching to call and find out where they were. Going to the bar to get drunk with his friends had to be more interesting than listen to Castiel go on and on about dance for the next few hours. 

"Like what Dean?" Castiel tilted his head to one side, his eyes squinting in that super cute way that made Dean's innards squirm. He was pretty convinced that Castiel needed glasses. 

"I dunno......sex," he offered lamely, hoping if he was just blatant about the situation that Castiel would finally take the damn hint. 

"Sex?" Castiel's voice was full of indignation, as if the suggestion was blasphemy. 

"Um...yeah....sex...you know, that thing we hardly ever do but I really like doing with you?" Dean tried to pull Castiel into his lap but his hands were smacked away. 

"I'm not in the mood for sex Dean." 

"Aw c'mon Cas, you said you'd make it worth my while and I thought you meant...you know..." He trailed off, giving off a suggestive look. "I mean I gave up my whole night to come over here....you could like...you know....put out?" Oh shit, did that sound bad. Oh no-no- _no_. Words. Where were the words when he needed them now? He was not this asshole, he was not the jerk that demanded sex from his partner. He was  _not_ that guy but in a matter of seconds he had  _become_ that guy. "Cas-" 

"Put out? Are you serious? You are  _such_ an asshole Dean!" Castiel stood, angrily going over to the front door and yanking it open. "Get out." 

"Cas-I didn't mean that...hold on-wait-I'm sorry..." 

"Get  _out_ Dean." Castiel pointed angrily, eyes narrowing in the non-sexy-non-cute squinty way. Yeah....he was in trouble. 

He slowly scrambled to his feet and stood next to Castiel, hoping to find words to charm him back into a good mood. "Baby I'm sorry-I swear I didn't mean that...it's just the guys were making fun of me and I think I just-" 

"Dean, I don't care. I want you to go. Just go." 

"....okay." He gave Castiel a kicked puppy stare because usually that worked but apparently not today. He practically limped out of the apartment and the door was slammed after his leaving. The sad thing was, was that he couldn't even be that angry at Castiel. He had been the one to fuck up and be an asshole. He had been that asshole in high school and he had told himself to never be that asshole again. 

Thing was, was that he hardly took his own advice. 

\--

_There is a shipwreck in my ribcage_

_There is a storm in my heart and-_

No. No that was stupid.  _Stupid_ _._ Dean angrily scribbled the words scrawling across his notebook. He had been writing poetry again, which he had told himself to stop doing because poetry was stupid. Poetry was lame....but poetry was really the only way he knew how to convey meaningful words. 

He had foot-in-mouth disease, probably the worst case in the 21st Century, but on paper? On paper he could spew his thoughts like word vomit and somehow make it beautiful and meaningful. He hadn't heard from Castiel in a week and it was almost time for finals..and then he would be going home to Kansas for the holidays. Meaning he wouldn't see Castiel until late January. 

There was so much that could happen in six weeks. Castiel could dump him, find someone new, he could change his mind on how he felt about his asshole boyfriend. So much could change in six weeks. Dean was not ready for the next six weeks. Not at all. 

Crap, when had he started crying? What the fuck? He angrily wiped his face clean of tears, glaring at his notebook as hard as he could. Maybe if he stared hard enough the words that were engraved into his mind's eyes would magically appear on paper. 

"Hey loser." 

Dean startled so badly that he flipped his pencil off into the library's abyss and his notebook ended up skidding across the table. "Charlie-" 

"God sorry, didn't mean to scare the ever loving shit out of you," Charlie replied, going to sit across from him. "You're never around, where have you been?" 

"Sorry...I-...Cas and I had a fight and I was a big asshole and I haven't been able to get a hold of him to apologize. He won't answer his phone, he doesn't reply to my texts...I'm about to start sending owls or something." He ran a hand along the back of his neck, slowly pulling his notebook back in front of his body, shame filling him to the core. 

"What'd you do?"

"I told him to put out-and I didn't mean it!" he added quickly upon the  _look_ Charlie gave him. "The guys and I were gonna go out, right? Out drinking for fun.....we hadn't done something like that in forever...well Cas calls me cuz he missed me and asked if I'd come over...he then tells me he'll "make it worth my while"...well stupid me, I'm thinking I'm gonna get oral or laid...so I go over and that is most definitely  _not_ what we did...the guys had called me whipped-I got paranoid and annoyed and then it just kinda came out...." 

"Wow...Men are such pigs. So glad I play for the other team." Charlie replied, making him glare at her. "Don't look at me like that, it's true. You just  _assumed_ Cas was gonna give it to you, he's not obligated to have sex with you, you know."

"I  _know_...I know he's not, and I would never force him to have sex with me....I'm not that guy, I would never pressure him...and I know what I said was fucked up and I  _know_ I screwed up and I know he's mad and he has a right to  _be_ mad....but I wish he'd at least give me a 'fuck off' text back or something. Better than the absolutely nothing I'm getting." He sighed, staring forlornly at the scribbles on his notebook. He would given up anything to get at least one reply back. He would take anything at this point. 

"Want me to talk to him? See where his head's at? I'll play it cool, he won't even know that you sent me." Charlie gave him a small smile that was almost sympathetic. "I mean...especially before winter break starts, you know? He's going to New York, did you know?" 

Dean blinked, startling out of his inner thoughts. New York? Had Castiel told him that and he had simply glazed it all over? "New York? No...no I didn't know..." 

"Yeah he got invited by the department to go to this big thing up there, I'm not really sure what it's all about but he'll be doing a live performance. Pretty neat, huh?" Charlie smiled, clearly excited. "Wish I could go see him but I have to go home." 

"When? When is it? The...thing?" Maybe if he went then he could  _show_ Castiel that he did care and that he was super sorry. 

"Um...not sure...I think it's sometime before Christmas. It's not anytime soon." Charlie shrugged, giving him a glance hat was definitely sympathetic this time. 

"Oh..." Damn, he'd be in Kansas which was sure as hell far away from New York. "Fuck. What am I gonna do? I wanna see him and I feel like a fucking chicken-" 

"Just go over to his apartment and stand out there, I'm sure he'll give in eventually...not that that's good but it's better than nothing I guess." Charlie shrugged, checking her phone. "Shoot, I gotta run. Come see me before you go, kay?" 

"Yeah sure." Dean nodded, accepting her offered quick hug before packing up his own stuff. Perhaps he would pay Castiel a visit after all. 

\--

The smile that filled his face was one of relief and true happiness when Castiel appeared at the door. He offered the steaming mug as a peace offering, smiling more. "Huh? Huh?" Dean grinned, offering the mug more, hoping the smell of hot tea would put Castiel in a better mood. 

"What do you want Dean?" 

Damn, his tone was like ice...which was sorta hampering Dean's self esteem. "...um...I wanted to apologize..in person-you know...before I had to go home...which is soon by the way.....all the way to Kansas...." 

"I know where you live Dean. I live far away too, I am aware of your drive." Castiel replied, leaning against the door jamb, clearly sleepy and annoyed. 

"C'mon Cas...please? Please let me have another chance...i know you're mad at me but it's been a week and I've apologized like a bajillion times....please?" Dean stared at Castiel with the puppy eyes that Sam liked to use on their mother when he was in trouble. They usually worked for Sam, so why not him? 

"Don't look at me like that, you're making this very hard on me- _Dean_ -" Castiel glared, huffing in slight annoyance when Dean just turned up the puppy eyes to maxed sadness. "You do realize you were a total and complete ass, yes?" 

"Yes-I know...full-fledged douche canoe, I  _know_....I'm sorry Baby, I really am....please...one more chance? Just one more?" He bit his lip and offered the tea again. "Your tea is gonna get cold and so is your apartment, c'mon lemme in..." 

Castiel sighed exasperatedly, slowly stepping aside. "Get in here." 

Dean grinned, eagerly stepping into the warm apartment, letting Castiel take the mug of tea away. "Thanks Baby." 

"Yeah yeah...don't push your luck Dean." 

"Yes Sir!" Dean saluted him, which made Castiel roll his eyes so hard that Dean was pretty sure they would wind up on the floor. However, despite Castiel's slight annoyance, Dean knew he would warm his way back into those good graces. It was going to be a long six weeks. 


	11. say something

"I missed you so much," he whispered against Castiel's neck as they stretched out over the floor in Castiel's living room. Honestly Dean had no desire to leave this space again. Not unless they got to go back to the bedroom soon. 

"I missed you too Dean," Castiel breathed in return, his fingers trailing through Dean's short hair softly. Each movement was making goosebumps appear all over Dean's body. 

"Was New York good to you?" After the question had left his mouth Dean slowly trailed kisses along Castiel's neck, nibbling at his Adam's apple where it bobbed, before pulling at the sweater Castiel wore to get to his collarbone. 

"Yes-..yes-it was-....oh God Dean-" 

He grinned against Castiel's skin, hands going to encompass around that thin waist. "Bedroom?" 

"Yes." 

Oh thank  _God_. Dean smiled again, slowly getting up, offering both hands to pull Castiel upright. "Lead the way, gorgeous." His eyes fell on that hot ass, ready to rip those jeans right off those legs. God, Castiel's body was just plain sinful. 

"Dean-" 

"Shhhhh," he whispered against Castiel's lips the moment they were in the bedroom. The clothes they both had on did not stay on much longer, as they were both pulling desperately until Dean could feel skin on skin. He couldn't stop himself from pausing in the desperate kissing to take a long look. "Jesus fucking H Christ..." 

Castiel blushed, ducking his head. "You're not that bad yourself you know....did you bring a condom-"

"I got one." Dean leaned back into Castiel's space, kissing his mouth to shut him up. After a moment of tender kissing, Dean grabbed onto Castiel's hips (which you could fucking cut glass on, goddamn) and spun around, backing him up against the bed. A few more prompting gestures and he had Castiel on his back, legs spread and hips arched up against his own. That was when Dean realized he had absolutely  _no_  idea what he was actually doing. 

"Why'd you stop?" he heard Castiel whisper, eyes searching and confused. 

"Um..I-....I have no idea what I'm doing," he admitted lamely. They had not had sex  _all the way_ yet....and this was all new territory for him. New and terrifying. 

"Well first of all..." Castiel stuck his tongue between his lips and leaned over to pull his nightstand drawer open, producing a bottle of lube. "This is necessary." 

"Right....i um-" 

"Dean  _relax_...it's not like getting me off is a huge mystery." Castiel smiled, kissing him slowly. "You want me to top?" 

"Um...what?" Dean stared at Castiel in lost confusion. "Like...ugh-" 

"I pitch, you receive." 

Oh fuck...oh God...that was definitely not where he saw this going. He had always sorta envisioned himself as the  _guy_ in the relationship. The one to give the D..not take the D. Which was really stupid, he realized suddenly. They were both  _guys_. Castiel was definitely not a girl. 

"You look nervous...it's okay, I won't hurt you Dean, I'll go slow." Castiel gave him a reassuring smile and then somehow they ended up in switched places. When had  _that_ happened? 

"Cas wait-" He sat up on his elbows but his thighs were spread open and his cock was throbbing. He stammered like a broken record for a moment, not able to form complete sentences to save his own life. He sounded moronic. 

"We don't have to do this Dean, I won't force you-" 

"No-no I wanna do it...just..just do it-shut me up-" He flopped back down on the bed, biting his bottom lip when he heard the lid of the bottle snap open. The longer he had to wait, the more nervous his body became, his stomach tightening up in nervous knots. 

"Dean you have to relax, you're all bunched up." Castiel ran his hands, which were now warmly wet (wow that felt really nice, like holy shit) along his length. He groaned in pleasure when practiced thumbs ran along his slit, soon drawing up precome. "There, that's better. Just breathe, okay?" 

He nodded weakly, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes when he felt lubed fingers gently run along his sac, down his perineum, to his rim. A gasp filled the room and oh that had been him...not Castiel. Right. "Son of a bitch-" 

"Relax Dean-really just relax-" 

"I'm  _tryin_ '...it's not like I do this all the time you know.." He cut off, and took a deep breath. Relax Winchester, it's not like you don't  _want_ it because be honest with yourself...you want Castiel to do the giving, and you want to take it. That's how you have it in your dirtiest dreams. It'd be nice to just let go for a while, right? Right. 

A groan filled the room, and Dean lifted his hips up when he realized there was a finger slowly inching into him. Castiel always paused and rested when Dean clenched, going slow as promised. Honestly, it felt  _odd_. It didn't hurt, it was just strange. Having anything up there was definitely the weirdest sensation, not _not_ pleasurable, just bizarre. 

"Feels...weird," he admitted quietly, wiggling his hips a little as Castiel pressed his finger in deeper.

"It gets better," Castiel promised with a smile and wink. "Just keep breathing and enjoy it Dean."

Enjoying having some dude's finger up his ass had never been on his to-do list before now, but the more Castiel explored the more Dean relaxed. And it was not like Castiel was just _some dude_ , Castiel was his boyfriend. A guy he really cared about and had missed so damn badly while he had been at home for winter break. "I seriously missed you Cas..."

"I missed you too Dean, a lot." Castiel leaned down to kiss him, and the moment Dean inhaled, he felt another finger enter him which was even weirder. Then he felt those fingers scissor and really move inside of him, and his mind just blanked. "Feel good?"

"God yeah," he muttered, staring up at ceiling, absentmindedly reaching down to slowly stroke his own dick.

"And I haven't even gotten to your prostate yet."

"What?" Dean looked up at him and then his mind really _did_ go blank; it was all just feeling and it all just felt  _good_. FuckingChristfuckshitsnackssonofabitchhowisthiseven- " _Fuuckk_.." 

Castiel smiled, continuing to rub his fingers along Dean's prostate slowly. "How's that?"

"It's like-God I can feel it in my _dick_ -oh shit-" His hand fell away from touching himself, and his breathing came in hitched gasps. Oh he was going to come already, and it was the most intense he had felt in a long time. "Cas I'm gonna come-oh shit-" 

"Good." Castiel smiled, placing a hand on Dean's pelvis to steady him, as he began to finger his prostate with more fervor.

He ended up fucking whimpering as he felt his body basically explode, spilling all over his stomach. A string of curses and then it was just Castiel's name tumbling from his mouth over and over. Could sex get better? Was that even possible? There was no way that was possible.

"Are you ready?" Castiel asked him a little while later after he had recovered, before Dean could hear the tell-tale sound of a condom being opened.

"Yeah," he whispered staring with half lidded eyes. "Do it Baby, I want it..." He opened his arms, and then there was Castiel's heavy and comforting weight on top of him, and Dean yanked him so close there bodies were locked and slotted together. He flinched slightly when Dean felt him start to press in, which was easier now that he had been opened up and had had an (intense as fuck) orgasm, but the sensation still made him grit his teeth. 

"I got you," Castiel whispered, pressing kisses to Dean's lips and face. 

Dean whimpered again, legs spreading as wide as he could make them, so Castiel would have room to move. He kept his arms around Castiel though, not letting him go very far. The first couple of movements were strange but then his head was falling back into the bed again, his whole entire world feeling rocked and perfect. He could not have asked for a better first time with a guy; Castiel was so gentle and so many kisses were shared. 

Not to mention the friction that Castiel's pelvis was causing on his cock. Oh God that was good,  _so good_. Praise and eagerness fell out of his mouth and soon he realized that he was begging for it. He wanted it faster, harder, better. "Cas-Cas come on-faster-please-oh shit  _please_ -" 

Begging. 

He was  _begging_. 

Castiel nodded, thrusting his hips against Dean faster, his knees digging into the mattress for purchase. Their breathing came in labored gasps, and it had been so long since Dean had gotten laid that he had forgotten what a workout sex was; they were both sweating and moaning, enjoying each other's bodies. He could feel pressure build in his pelvis and Dean knew he was going to come soon again. God  _again_. 

"Fuck Cas- _fuck_ -I'm gonna come again-" Dean dug his fingers into Castiel's shoulders, feeling the muscles in his back move under his hands. Oh this was so much better than having sex with a girl. Castiel was strong and he could nail him into the bed with some serious power behind his thrusts. He could get  _fucked_ , the way he had always had wanted to get fucked. 

His body spilled over and then he heard Castiel cry out against his shoulder as _his_ body jerked with his orgasm. The world seemed to stop for a little while, and Dean just stared up at the ceiling of Castiel's room. He had not felt this worn out since football practice back in the fall. Hell, he didn't even realize Castiel had sat up to dispose of the condom until he blinked and saw perfect blue eyes and an amused smile looking down at him from the side of the bed. 

"You are  _so_ fucked out," Castiel said, that proud smile all over his face. 

"Yeah no shit," Dean muttered, finally starting to push himself into sitting up. When he moved, he could feel sticky liquid trying to run down the back of thighs. Oh right,  _gravity_. "Ugh-sorry I feel gross now...I mean-sorry that was really unromantic-" 

Castiel snorted, helping him stand up again. "Well my jizz is trying to run out of your ass, I don't think you can get much less romantic than  _that_. Come on, let's go take a shower."

No really, could sex get any better? Dean followed Casitel into the bathroom and then he began to wonder about shower sex.... _that_ was bound to be fun... 

\--

"So wait, what's his name?" 

"Benny Laffitte, he's super cool...real chill...he'll be at the party tonight." 

Dean could not help but stare at Benny, the (incredibly) attractive new guy at the gym. Like holy fuck who was this guy and where had he been Dean's entire college career? Cas, think of  _Cas_. Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas, CAS. 

"Dean, you okay?" 

"Ugh yeah-I'm...I gotta go though-forgot I was supposed to meet up with Cas-" He allowed his sentence to trail off as he had to forcibly pry his eyes away from Benny's body. Technically, he had just lied but he had to get out of the gym before he had a boner that he could not and did not want to explain. The clock near the gym's entrance read that it was two, meaning Castiel would probably be at the dance studio. 

Once he was free of the gym's testosterone filled atmosphere, Dean felt like he could breathe again safely. Was it even normal to check out other people while dating someone? Was that okay? Maybe he just wouldn't tell Cas about it...yeah... 

The pavement seemed so far away as Dean jogged over to the dance studio but since he had not worked out for very long, a jog seemed appropriate. Plus if he got sweaty and looked like he  _had_ worked out, Castiel wouldn't question his claim of going to the gym earlier. Several girls leaving the studio paused to giggle and check him out as he came to the door, which he held open for all of them. Dean returned their smiles but really it was only out of politeness. 

The inside lobby to the studio was warm which he was thankful for, even if he had worked up a heated sweat on his way over. That did not stop the weather from being cold as fuck. Balthazar was sitting in the lobby, feet up on a chair, at least he was pretty sure it was Balthazar. "Hey," he called, giving the guy a wave. "Is Cas here?" 

"Of  _course_ Cassie is here," Balthazar replied. "He's always here. First practice studio on your left." 

"Thanks man." Damn his nose was running, how attractive. He wiped his sleeve under it as he made his way back, peering through the glass in the door to take a peek. Yep, as promised, there was Castiel doing some impressive turns and leaps. A dopey smile filled his face, and soon he had forgotten all about Benny Lafitte. "Hey good lookin'" he called over the music, making Castiel pause and turn around. 

"Dean...what are you doing here?" Despite Castiel's surprise, there was a smile on his face. Good, at least Castiel was happy to see him. 

"Um...just came over from the gym, figured I'd come see you....you were good, don't stop on my account." Dean waved his hand for him to continue before going over to sit on a chair towards the back so he could watch. Watching Castiel dance was one of his favorite pass times. He could watch Castiel dance until the world ended. 

"No it's okay, I was almost done." Castiel walked over and straddled Dean's lap, pressing an eager kiss to his mouth. "Hi." 

"Well  _hello_ ," Dean grinned up at Castiel, not bothering to stop his boner this time. 

"Happy to see me or something?" Castiel winked and kissed him again, grinding his pelvis against Dean's. 

"Hey-hey now-don't be-a-mmm stop that," he groaned, hands going to Castiel's hips. "Cas I'm gonna throw you down and fuck you if you don't stop it." 

"You promise?" 

Castiel could be such a little shit sometimes. Okay...he was a little shit  _all_ of the time. "You're a little shit you know that, right?" 

"I do...so I hear there's a party tonight. Are you going?" 

"Yeah. Are you?" 

"I don't know, I wasn't invited." Castiel shrugged, pressing hot kisses along Dean's neck and jaw line. 

The moan that escaped him echoed around the room, which just ended up sending them both into uncontrollable giggle fits, and just like that the mood was shot down. "It won't be that fun probably, you won't be missing much. I'd take you but I honestly don't plan on staying that long. I'll come over after, okay?" 

"Okay." Castiel smiled, nuzzling his face along Dean's. "I should get back to practice..." 

"Okay Baby." He grinned, pinching Castiel's butt once he stood up. "See you later." 

"See you later." 

\--

This was such a  _bad_ idea, like the worst idea he could have ever thought up. When did he think this was a good idea? When had that even crossed his mind? Drinking around Benny Lafitte was just  _not_ a good idea. The guy was just so fucking gorgeous, and ripped, and he had the hottest accent. Like what the  _fuck_? 

And it didn't help that they were alone in the backyard, in a dark corner where someone had dragged a outdoor cushioned bench. They were sitting so close together, Dean could feel their hips and thighs touching. He could smell Benny's cologne (which was super freaking nice) and he could feel his body heat. Oh God this was such a bad idea. 

"I thought you were seeing Castiel Novak?" Benny asked him, sipping at his own red cup. 

"Um...yeah-yeah I am...he's hot..." Dean nodded quickly, hoping to fend off any of Benny's moves. Not that Benny had made any moves  _on_ him but he was pretty sure Benny was checking him out. "Super hot. He's really hot and he gives  _great_ head...like real good head...like the best head  _ever_." 

Crap he was just spewing words out now because he was most definitely tipsy. He tended to just  _talk_ when he got tipsy, and then he got handsy when drunk. _Stop drinking stupid, you'll just do something dumb._ "But you're hot too...like wow-" Oh shit he was touching Benny's bicep and leaning into him. 

Benny chuckled, giving him a devious smile. "Is that right?" 

"Oh  _yeah_ -like wow man-" Dean continued to drink to keep his hands to himself. "So hot." 

"You aren't too bad yourself." Benny turned in his seat to face him then, and Dean could feel his heart pounding in his chest. "I kinda wanna kiss your perfect lips." 

Oh shit...oh shit-oh shit-don't do it.  _Don't do it_. But he was definitely leaning into Benny's space, and their lips were definitely brushing. It wasn't long before he found himself straddling Benny's lap, hard as a rock. They were making out, and for now Dean had no regrets. Nope. Not a single regret. 

\--

"Dean! Your boyfriend is here!!" 

Dean groaned, slowly rolling over to check the time, which was past noon. God last night had been  _rough_. 

"Dean!"

"I'm comin'," he muttered to himself, knowing full well that they couldn't hear him. Damn when had he gotten home last night? Dean stumbled to his feet, almost tripping as he made his way out to the living room where Castiel was sitting on the couch. "Hey Cas-" 

Castiel stood up and walked up to him, his eyes red and angry. "You  _asshole_." 

"Whoa-who- _ow_ -" He had seen a lot of stupid chick flicks in his life (not that he would ever advertise that) and he had seen a lot of fake slaps. They always  _sounded_ painful but he had never been slapped in real life. Well, at least not by a boyfriend or girlfriend. And wow, they really did  _hurt_. "What the fuck was that for?!" 

Castiel glared at him, eyes narrowing. "You  _cheated_ on me?!"

"Wh-whoa wait- _what_?" Dean stared at Castiel in alarm. "Cheat on you? I didn't cheat on you-" 

Castiel pulled out his phone and shoved it in his face. It took him a moment to focus but those were definitely pictures of him and Benny Lafitte making out at the party. Oh no...oh  _no_.

"You didn't? You sure about that?" 

"Cas-Cas-...I don't remember-I don't..." He trailed off because the more he stared at the photos, the more he  _did_ remember. He remembered climbing into Benny's lap, he remembered the desperate make out they had had. He remembered the way they had stumbled back to Benny's truck and the way they had climbed into the back to grind against each other. "....oh shit." 

Say something. Say something else,  _anything_ else. Say something. Say something.  _Say something_. 

"That's what you have to say for yourself? Wow..okay....well....I'm done. Okay?  _We_ are done. Good bye Dean." Castiel turned and walked out of the apartment, allowing the door to slam behind him. He could only stare after Castiel in helplessness. So that was it, with one stupid move it was all over. 

Unwanted tears were sliding down his face, and he could only ignore the look on his roomates' faces as he made his way back to his room. Castiel had worked hard to make him feel smart, to honestly believe that  _yes_ he was smart but even Castiel could be wrong. 

The wall had it coming really. 


	12. blue expanse

"This is not going to work." 

"It's totally going to work," Ash insisted. "You've got it all planned, everyone is there to back you up man." 

Dean sighed, running a hand over his face which he had neglected to shave lately. He felt rugged and worn, two more failings from throwing the towel in completely. Honestly nothing felt right without Castiel, everything felt wrong and all kinds of messed up. He had tried moving on, seeing other people, but it was all really pointless. 

Castiel had moved on, or at least he had moved on for a while but according to Balthazar he was "miserable and pathetic" whatever that meant. Dean took it to mean that Castiel probably felt as good as he looked, which was not very fucking good. 

He had a plan though, a plan he had been implementing for a few weeks. Ever since Castiel had broken up with him, ever since he had called it quits and pulled the plug, Dean had been busy writing Castiel a letter or poem every day. Most of them were awful, random, and shitty blurblets. But some of them even he had to applaud himself for, so the plan was to get Castiel's dance class in on it. 

He was just glad that they all seemed to want Castiel happy just as much as Dean's friends wanted  _him_ happy. So Dean had found his best notes, poems, and letters and given one to each member of Castiel's dance class. Today was the day they were going to read them out loud in class rather than dance. Even Castiel's instructor was in on this plan. 

Of course the longer they waited, the more Dean felt as if it were not going to work. Why would it? Castiel could easily just roll his eyes and tell him off, and how dare he try to persuade or even blackmail Castiel into getting back together, which was not the point. The point of the plan was so Castiel could see that Dean was indeed sorry, and a total and complete fucking moron. 

Of course, the more the thought on it, the more it just sounded sketch and black mail-y. But there was no turning back now. 

"You sure?" he asked quietly. 

"Yeah." Ash patted his arm. "Let's dance." 

  


"I miss the way you smile, and I miss the way you keep me warm at night. I miss the way your eyes light up when you talk about the things you love. You become so animated, it's like watching a powerful storm, beautiful and intimidating in the same breath. The way you move across the stage, I can feel your passion in my bones..." 

Dean gulped, listening to one of his notes being read out loud, he could see Castiel sitting on the studio floor, listening, having no idea that the letter was meant for him. At least not yet. Oh God this was going to go so badly. So,  _so_ badly. Castiel was going to freak out, he was going to-

"Dean relax," Ash whispered, stirring him from his thoughts.

"Sorry..." He shut his eyes and tuned back in again. Something new was being read. 

" _Your lips speak truths that deafen me, my lips are shut by all my fears..._ "

He could feel his face burn at the poem that he had written, it was hard to read visual poetry so he had to give the girl some credit.

" _Your eyes see things that I cannot, my eyes closed tight dream of darkness..._ "

Dean peered into the room again, his eyes glued on Castiel in the mirror of the studio, watching his face. So far, he had no suspicion. Sure he was probably confused as to why his friends and peers kept getting up to read from pieces of paper, but so far there was no sign he understood yet.

Good. 

" _Your soul is free that I envy, my soul is caught by all my faults...When we part you are best off, I am worst off..I know...but when we lie, we touch, we kiss, we clutch...I know...Your lips are_  my _lips, your truths are open, and I hear...I am unafraid...Your eyes are_  my _eyes, and I see as you see...and my dreams are only of you."_

Dean blushed more as another girl rose from her spot on the floor to start reading, rubbing the back of his neck. If he remembered correctly, this piece would probably be the alert to Castiel that these were all about  _him_. "This was a stupid idea," he muttered to Ash, who quickly shushed him because he wanted to listen. 

Fucking great. 

The girl with the red hair rose to her feet, clutching a beat up piece of notebook paper, torn and dirty from misuse. When she spoke, her voice shook, and Dean had to give her credit, she was either a great actress or she really was just simply moved by the words on the page.

"When we first met I didn't like you all that much, you were this rich asshole who thought he was better than everyone else. You had this air around you that clearly stated that you were  _cool_ , and that you were better than anyone who dared walk into your line of sight. Honestly, I was  _annoyed_ with you, I was so annoyed because I still wanted to kiss you..to get to know you...to run my fingers along your ribs, and count the stars in your eyes. Like what the fuck? How could such a stuck up  _dick_ make me want to touch him, hold him...kiss him....I had never really believe in love at first sight before, you know? How asinine. Love at first sight was reserved for romantic comedies and crappy chick flicks. It wasn't reality, at least not  _my_ reality...

"And then I met you. Even behind the smell of pizza and beer I could smell your cologne...it was this sweet but kind of musky scent. I can still smell it now, even as I sit here and write this crap onto a piece of paper. I can smell as if it is ingrained into my pillowcase, which we both know it's not. Not anymore at least....I miss you...and I think I loved you. Maybe I still love you, I don't know. You were a jerk and I was helplessly entranced by your spell. Funny how I turned out to be the jerk and you the one who could forgive me over and over. I hope you know I'm sorry because I am. I am sorry for what I did. I'm an idiot...and I regret it every day. All I know is that I want to wake up and drown in the ocean. I want to dive head first into that blue expanse...and I think we both know I'm not talking about the one off the East Coast. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." 

Dean's eyes fell on Castiel after she spoke the final words, and he could see the shock on his face. If he glanced just right, he was pretty sure that Castiel had tears in his eyes. He could feel his heart thumping like a wild rabbit trying to escape, and his stomach churned with nausea. Castiel knew now, it was clearly written on his face. Dean shut his eyes again and turned to walk away. He needed air, he needed  _air_. 

"Dean? Dean!" 

He broke outside of the dance studio, taking in long gulps of the spring air, which was thankfully not too hot or cold. Wow this really had been the dumbest idea he could have ever thought up. When had he believed this was going to be a good idea? Blindsiding Castiel like this? What a dumbass move...a really,  _really_ dumbass move. 

"Dean, come on..." Ash touched his shoulder, making him almost jump out of his skin. "It's your turn..." 

"This was dumb-" He wanted to protest but Ash was already pulling him inside and then he was walking into that studio and Castiel was still sitting on the ground, staring at his class in shock. They were all standing in front of him. He had to start talking or he would never do it. Just talk Winchester, just talk. 

Say something. Say something. Don't chicken out.  _Say something_ _._ Fucking Christ, just say something. 

"Cas..." 

Castiel slowly stood up and turned to face him, his eyes red. "Dean, what the hell-" 

"Cas just...just  _listen_ to me, okay? Please? Cas, I fucked up and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have cheated on you...I shouldn't have gotten that drunk, because I was fucking  _wasted_ man...and I have been miserable ever since you walked out. Totally miserable...you kind of really changed my life Cas, you made me more comfortable with myself. You were there for me when no one else was...you are a perfect person and I love you. You don't have to take me back, I just really needed you to know how I feel about you....I've been afraid my entire fucking life and I"m not afraid anymore and that has to do with you. So thank you Cas. Thank you." 

Holy shit, he had said it. He had said the crap that had been on his chest for so long. They had ended their relationship for so long ago, it felt like forever. He tried to keep the tears from falling down his face but the more he struggled, the more futile his efforts were. 

"Dean-" Castiel gave him a wary look, frowning slightly. "If you wanted to talk to me you could have just came to see me...." Castiel looked around them at his peers and then back at Dean again. "This was too much." 

"Cas-" 

Castiel shook his head, turning to grab his duffle bag and leave the studio. Of course, Dean did not blame him, honestly if Castiel had done this to him, he probably would have been just as embarrassed. He gave the girls a thankful stare before turning and rushing after Castiel, rushing out of the building and down the sidewalk, where Castiel was hurriedly going back to his apartment. 

"Cas wait!" 

"Dean it's over! Why can't you just-Dean-" Castiel cut off as Dean came to stand in front of him. 

"I don't want it to be over Cas...do you? Because your friends are pretty convinced you've been fucking miserable. I get it, I fucked up, but I was also super fucking wasted. I know I screwed up, but I'm  _human_ man. I make mistakes, I say shit I shouldn't say, I do shit I shouldn't do. And life really super  _sucks_ without you in it. I would settle for friend Cas, just friends if you want..." 

He stared at Castiel with the kicked puppy stare, hoping that it would be enough to win at least a friendship. He felt pathetic, hell he  _was_ pathetic. He wanted Castiel more than anyone or anything else. Honestly, at this point, he would have settled for casual acquaintances. 

"You love me?" Castiel whispered. 

Okay that was not the reaction he had expected. He had thought up several hundred scenarios and Castiel questioning that statement had not been one of them. "Um...yeah? Yeah I do..." 

"Why?" 

"Well..I thought that was kinda obvious Cas.." 

Castiel blinked a few times but Dean could see the tears shining in his eyes; stars preparing to fall. "I love you too, you assbutt." 

Dean smiled slowly, trying not to laugh. "You do?"

" _Yes_. I do...and I hate it because I should just hate you but I can't hate you. I think about you all the time, and I think about how much life just sucks without you...and that sucks." 

He couldn't help but laugh then, gently wiping a tear that had slipped down Castiel's cheek. "You always this articulate, Cas?" 

"Shut up-" 

"Make me," he whispered. 

Castiel rolled his eyes and then he felt Castiel's hands grab his face. For a moment, Dean didn't believe that this was happening but there was only a moment of hesitation before their lips were pressing together. His rib cage practically hummed with vibrations, or maybe that was just him shaking, honestly he didn't know anymore. And he didn't really care either. 

"So um..." Dean muttered once they had parted slightly. "What's this mean...exactly..." 

"Shut up and kiss me again." 

"Yes Sir," he whispered, but then he had to backtrack. "Wait-...ass...butt?" 

Castiel pulled him in close again. "Shut up Dean." They were kissing then, and his whole world lit on fire. 


End file.
